Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I am struggling to survive in a world that seems to want to see me down. I thought I was in a good place then suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me. I suddenly went from being amazing and blessed to being someone who doesn't matter. And it makes it more difficult because I am alone. I miss my family. I feel isolated from everyone. I don't have a network. I used to be able to bump into someone on the streets in NY and my spirit would be renewed but not here. I like living in this area. In this complex and apartment even but it doesn't feed my spirit. I don't have the human contact that I need. The human interaction that I need so I don't implode. Which I actually did on Friday. I have been holding so much in and building so much up and it was taking a toll on me in every way. I came home and decided that I am going to quit my job. I called my godmother and spilled my heart out to her about how I was feeling. I felt that it was futile. Instead of having a ...

As I look back over my Novembers past I see a trend. I am in rut. Every.single.fall. I am unmotivated, uninspired, and don't want to interact with anyone. If I could hibernate until spring I would. S.A.D. is real. I need to find a way to reenergize. I need to find a way to feel inspired again. I am tired of my energy and moods being up and down. I wish I could be energetic and bubbly. I wish I was the type of person who could reach deep down inside and fake it to make it. It is a beautiful sunny day out. It was yesterday as well and I don't want to leave my apartment. My apartment is clean and my clothes are washed an ready for the week ahead. I cooked chicken and chicken soup yesterday and cleaned up a bit but that was all I had the energy to do. I got up and made pancakes for breakfast. I need to go grocery shopping and I am long overdue for a pedicure, eyebrow wax, and massage. Yet, I can't find the motivation to leave. I just want to stay home. Worst case scenario I...

I am finally starting to feel like myself after that thrust into negativity land. I have had a challenging week (really the past couple of weeks) and it has forced me to think about where this energy could be coming from. As I have mentioned before I am an empath and very intuitive. My intuition has told me that there is someone (or more than one person) working against me which is why I am having to work harder than I should. When I thought it about and started to piece things together it was clear who these people are and why they feel the need to set me up for failure. I tell you if you listen the universe will tell you everything that you need to know. As I said, I am pretty intuitive and my intuition is always right. Some people think I am paranoid or concoct conspiracy theories about events but as we saw with my last work environment everything that is suspected was accurate. People asked me how I knew and it was because of my intuition. It tells me what I need to know so...

This is so me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Counselor_%28role_variant%29 and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idealist_temperament There has been a lot going on at work. My boss has "cleaned house" and it is so strange, yet interesting, to see the skeletal collection of staff who remain. The energy of our last meeting was so different from the hostility that had been throughout our workplace interactions. I didn't realize how certain people can have such a huge impact on an environment. I think the fact that we are the "last ones standing" has in a way forced us to bond when we hadn't before. A lot of the cliques and undercurrent of discontent had vanished. Perhaps she is more perceptive than we give her credit. We were asked to sweep it all under the rug and move forward as about half of our staff will be newcomers. Everyone is positive that a new energy will be good for helping us get back on track. Yesterday was a different story. Yesterday the discon...

Important reminders from my Facebook timeline. Help me remember:     Your life will always follow your thoughts. If you're always thinking positive, happy, joyful thoughts, you're going to be a positive, happy, joyful person. And you will attract other happy, positive people.   - Joel Osteen If you find yourself in a negative situation with someone in your life, take a few minutes each day to feel love within your heart for that person, and then send it out into the Universe. Just doing this one thing helps to remove any resentment, anger, or negativity towards that person.   Remember that feeling resentment, anger, or any negative emotion attracts it back to you. Feeling love attracts love back to you. What you are feeling for another, you are bringing to you. From The Secret Daily Teachings by Rhonda Byrne My goal: to be more open. I don't think I shared this on here yet, but the other week I had a co-worker approach me in a totally disrespec...

One of my co-workers was "not invited back next year." This makes me sad. I encouraged her months ago to start looking for something else because things weren't going well. My sleep schedule has been off. I've been staying up too late and getting too little sleep. I couldn't stay awake tonight and went to sleep at 7 PM. Now I am up. I had something else to write about but can't think of it now. Will try to get more sleep. 

Received an email from my boss this morning. Sunday morning. Someone's head was put on the butcher block on Friday. This is why I hustle at work. This is why I put all else aside to do what needs to be done. This is why I am riding my assistant to step up her game. I know who my boss is and she doesn't play. She doesn't always know what she is doing, but she will fire your ass in a heartbeat. So glad I am on her good side. Spending today, writing and researching. Yesterday I bought not one, but two new air filters. My apartment gets really dusty because of the cat litter and because I keep my windows open all day, every day, 24/7. There was one that was left by the guy who was here while I was out west. I bought the replacement model for that one which is much quieter. It also comes with an optional air freshener, which is great when my neighbors are smoking or cooking smelly food. I also suffer from allergies spring through fall, so the second filter is a back up. I ...

When I was little I had no idea what I wanted to be. I think I just wanted to be happy and free. Whenever I responded that I didn't know what I wanted to be I would be chastised. I was told, "You should want to be doctor (not a nurse)."  "You should never teach. You'll never have any money." At six years I was told that I should know what I want to be. By the time I was in high school I still didn't have an idea until one day I discovered I have a passion for TV. I pursued it, but she didn't love me back. I never had enough hustle to make it happen. So eventually I learned to settle. Now I am back where I started. When I grow up, I want to be happy.  I am reading my morning devotional based on Romans 12:2 and it is on this very topic. Everything I have been reading lately has been on this topic. Could it be a sign? Just because you are good at something doesn't mean it is your calling. I should have learned this lesson the last time. Dare to ...

Sometimes you've just got to tell folks that "they've got to do better."  Today was one of those times. Girlfriend was mad, but she knew she had to step her game up. I think she is finally realizing that this is real life. I'm going to need you to do your job and I need you do it well. So I put a plan of action into place. Weekly meetings to check in on her progress, prioritizing projects for her (since she can't seem to handle it on her own), helping her plan ahead so our volunteers can help her get organized and stop hiding work!  This girl has a lot of poor work habits. I think she thought it was enough to just show up to work on time every day [insert buzzer] WRONG! If she needs to come in early or stay late to get her work done then that is what she has to do. Hell, everyone else does it. I hope that we can eventually be on the same page, because I am about ready to beat her ass! If she can't handle this job I am wondering how the hell she is goin...

Why can't people just be honest? With me and with themselves.  Every time I think my assistant is improving she does some dumb stuff that makes me want to rip my hair out. When I hired her I told her what I needed and she ensured that she could deliver. When I ask her to do something she either totally doesn't understand what I need or totally blows it off. I keep finding crap I asked her do months ago buried under piles of papers or not even started. Even when I follow up with her to see how she is doing on something she either 'forgot' or is still working on it. Mind you, this is stuff I asked her to start months prior. I wind up doing most of it myself. Some of it is slightly challenging so she can learn how to do it, but even the really simple mindless stuff is getting pushed off. That is so frustrating because I need the stuff done. What does she think, that the stuff is going to go away because I don't ask her about it every single minute of ever day? When she...

This is my season of discontent. So, this is my second day back to work and I am so unhappy. There are others also unhappy which means the overall energy is low. I hope I am so ready to move on. I hope things either get better, I learn to cope, or an opportunity presents itself that will give me an out.

Mister Sandman is just beating on my eyelids right now. Crazy thing is I just woke up a bit over an hour ago. I am about to go back to sleep soon as I finish this post. I fixed a simple dinner of clam chowder with corn. Not as good as the crab soup I had in Maryland, but it left me feeling very satiated. I have no patience for foolishness, so I have an Alfred Hitchcock movie playing. It was another unproductive day. I went online to research mattresses before I went bed shopping and got frustrated. Went through some papers, sent some follow up emails, washed the breakfast dishes then went to take a nap. Woke up groggy, but feeling better. Looked at my to do and was able to cross off one item. Tomorrow and Friday have to be more productive, by any means necessary. Sadly, we are expecting a hurricane to hit so hopefully that doesn't prevent me from doing what needs to be done. I am hoping I can get things situated at work Monday and Tuesday (no later than Wednesday) so I can have ...

Didn't fall asleep until late last night/early this morning. Woke up late and went back to sleep. Woke to hear a storm outside. It's muggy which means I have no desire to head out today. I finally started moving around 1-ish and I am still contemplating going back to bed as I'm not feeling 100%. I probably need to go out and score a shot of wheat grass juice to stabilize my system. My neighbor across the hall has gas. She has just been cooking away. I don't know how I missed getting my gas reconnected. I need to call Con Ed and see if they can turn it on tomorrow. Interestingly enough I hadn't been cooking on the stove much. I usually don't in the summer because it's just too hot. Coincidentally, just as this water main situation happened I was going to start cooking again. One good thing about this situation is that I was able to clean under my stove since the Con Ed guy pulled it out to do something. I thought it might as simple as turning the red knob b...

Feeling amazing with my dietary changes. Today I headed to my job to exchange my charger then went to Wild Olive to pick up some fresh produce. As much as people complain about not having fresh food in Harlem (therefore we have to eat fried food and garbage instead) there was not enough business to sustain the fresh produce that they used to offer when they first opened. It is sad! I grabbed some cherries and went down the block to get a fresh juice from Uptown Juice Bar. I nearly choked when they told me how much it was. They didn't have any prices posted so I thought it might be a couple of bucks. I ordered a small. It was $5.00! That is ridiculous! I then went to Island Salad and got a Jerk Salmon salad. An $8 salad. I will in the future remember to tell them to put my dressing on the side. The girl who made my salad was very heavy handed. I am becoming conscious of portions now that I am not eating myself silly. Found out today that our chef on the job quit. It's not a su...

Well, I finally buckled down and did the damn reference checks. My whole issue was it was on principle that I shouldn't have had that task dumped in my lap at the last minute. Now one of my coworkers is pushing to get her friend hired. I've already made my decision so there you go. Now maybe we can move on and I can have a proper vacation. I am being so productive. Usually I just sleep my vacations away but since I am changing my diet and sticking with it I seem to have more energy to function. Plus, the weather this year has been tolerable. When it gets too hot I just can't function. I still have a brand new a/c unit in the back of my car. While it has been in the 90s I've been able to manage with fans. If I get lucky I might be able to return it unopened! Next up, getting my passport together! Been researching colleges and still not finding exactly what I am looking for. Getting it down!

I am so tired! I worked for 6 hours until I couldn't stand up anymore. I'll have to tie up the loose ends on Monday. Bah!

Caught up on my sleep last night. I was exhausted. Slept for 6 hours then got up and did a little virtual job hunting. Just trying to get my feelers out there to see what else is out there. Yesterday left a really sour taste in my mouth. Slept soundly and now dragging to get out the door to finish up loose ends at work. Told the assistant to not worry about it since it was storming this morning. Whatever doesn't get done now will get done by the new assistant in August. I just like to be slightly ahead of the curve, but what can you do? I'm not thinking I need to pack all of my personal items separately just in case I do wind up getting an offer I can't refuse. One of the jobs I saw was an opportunity to merge into the area of focus I want to move in without having to go back to school. Change is scary but so necessary.

Wonder why it completely slipped my mind that my reports were actually due TODAY instead of on Friday.  That thought never crossed my mind as I lay on the beach yesterday. I try to be good about meeting deadlines, but that one got past me. Let me get to finishing off these last reports so I can move on with my life.

Happy Father's Day to any dads who land upon my long forgotten blog. I had a stressful week, but I will come out on the other side as always.  Most of the stress was work related and while I don't like to vent about work on here, I feel like I need an outlet for my frustrations. I have been holding it in and then it always comes out in the most inappropriate times and ways. Please be patient with me, God is not through with me yet. I start vacation next week. Yay!  I planned to travel and possible move. Well, the devil quickly squashed those plans.  My student loans became due and I was threatened with have having my salary garnished if I didn't fork over nearly $1K a month! Extortion. It is crazy because you can have your credit card bills settled and negotiated, but your education expenses can cause you to be homeless. What is wrong with this world? I will never advise a person to take out student loans. If you can't afford to pay for your education yourself or get ...

After feeling overlooked and taken for granted for months, I felt it was time to walk away. I couldn't forsee another year of working too many hours and never feeling like what I did was good enough. Today, I get a voice mail from H.R. telling me they want to have a meeting to discuss what options are available to me specifically. Should I even bother going through the motions? I have no intention of going back. I put in my time and now I am ready to move forward.