Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

gun play. seemingly two words on polar opposite ends of the spectrum. unfortunately in the world in which i exist they one in the same. seems no matter where i live there is the threat of gun violence. this time i was actually almost caught up in it. i had only gone out for just a few minutes to do a couple of things. on my way back i see teenage boys crowded around what appeared to be a growing conflict. as the boys moved into the middle of the street fists began flying and the sound of three shots rang out, ricocheting off the school building where students were likely still being dismissed from their after school programs and the 6 story apartment building that line the block.  i shot inside my building as fast as i could and warned my neighbors waiting for the elevator to take cover as the teens raced up the street in our direction heading for the park full of kids enjoying the first 90 degree day of the year. no sooner had we all piled into the elevator and registered what j...

It has taken me all of these years to finally figure out the art of balancing my life. Today I took a whole day or rest and relaxation. In order to balance that out I must try to do something productive tomorrow. In the past I would take either to the extreme...either too much productivity resulting in feeling like I deserve to have a time to rest and relax. I am still learning lessons I should have learned years ago. Hope to do better in the future.

Today is my birthday and I felt every year of my age. Achy foot, gray hairs, and tired. Must take my life back. Happy birthday to meeeee....

Last night I dreamed about my mother. She was youthful and healthy. We were being overprotective of her - crying and begging her to be safe. She was gorgeous. She had turned her kitchen into a herb garden partitioning off a section of it to grow all kinds of plants and herbs and leaving the other side for cooking. The indoor garden was sunny, warm, and serene. Although my mother has been gone for so long I still miss her terribly.

This past week was horrible! I've spent the whole weekend trying to shake it, but I still feel tightness and tension in my brow and my eyes are lifeless. I have no real joy in my life. I still smile and laugh at times, but not often enough.   At the center of my discontentment is my environment. I need to get out of here! This apartment. This neighborhood. This job trajectory. I shouldn't say it because it seems ungrateful. I almost lost everything this past year. I am now finally getting stable and it seems like someone always wants to make life more complicated than it has to be. Can I live? Got damn! I do my best to live a righteous life. I mind my own business. Try to take care of my obligations and even try to help others when and if I can. Yet, it always seems that I am at battle with someone about bullshit. I just want to live a peaceful life. I am surrounded by people who thrive on drama. I have been seriously contemplating moving to another state where people are c...

One of my favorite musical artists, Amel Larrieux, has a song called Sweet Misery. That would describe this week. It was a miserable and bitter sweet. Today would have been my mother's birthday if she were still alive. I no longer cry full of inconsolable grief. I just try to keep myself busy. Today I awoke much earlier than I planned. I love to sleep in on Saturdays, but I have upstairs neighbors who are notorious early birds. I hadn't slept well in any event. I dreamed about fish and contractions. I was in the early stages of pregnancy, but I was having what seemed to be contractions. It would interesting to see if I get pregnant this year when I've given up hope of every being anything other than a stepmother, and when it would be extremely risky for me to be pregnant. I'm not even dating! However, any dream interpreter will tell you that fish means babies. And death always results in life.  So it is strange that I had this dream on my mother's birthday. In...

It has been many years since I've celebrated mother's day. I am not a mother and my own mother has been gone for quite a while. I usually try to keep myself occupied - staying in to avoid the mother's and their children celebrating the day together so I won't start to miss my own mother. It doesn't help that her birthday and mine fall within the same month. May can be hard so I try to avoid thinking about it. I managed to do pretty well today. I slept most of the day, but now that I am up just thinking about my mom and the last months of her life. Thinking about the two men I was dating and how supportive they were before they abandoned me. Thinking that I probably could be and should be a mother, but at this point in my life have given up on that. Soooo, as my classmates become grandmothers and I find myself getting grayer and spreading wider, I wonder what the future has in store. Perhaps I will be lucky like my cousin BeeBee and finally marry the right man la...