Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos about organization and I am so excited about the prospect of finding new ways to keep my life in order. I am also seeing that a lot of it is trial and error. I am reworking my life as I know it. Hopefully I will eventually be able to share organization tips with others.

I realize now the importance of routine. When I lived in Brooklyn I lived a very disciplined life. Every weekend I would clean. Every Sunday I would go to church then come home and have breakfast. When I worked at night I would work out every afternoon before heading to work. I didn't have a shower in that apartment so I took a delicious bath every morning. I was at peace and accomplished a lot during that stage of my life. When I moved to Manhattan all of my routines fell by the wayside. Every now and then I would pick up my routines again, but they always fell by the wayside.I don't think I maintained any routines after the nut that lived with me shortly moved out. When I moved back home for a year I picked up my routines again, but when I returned to New York I did not pick up new routines. The last few years I had no routines or self-discipline at all and that was when I knew I had to get out of there. Since I have been back in D.C. I am back to having my routines. I al...

I am missing having a social life. It has been gone a long time. Yeah I would go places and stay busy before I moved but now I am completely absent of any social interaction and don't connect with anyone here. While I have always been a loner it is really bad now. My years of deep depression and cutting myself off from friends has had a lasting impact.  I want a running buddy to laugh and shop with. I want to date. I want weekends at the Harbour or zoo. Movie night. Hand holding and get to know you sessions. I want to start over. I wasted so much time and energy living/existing/surviving in a place that did not love me. I invested my entire youth into getting educated, obtaining degrees, struggling in fields that cared very little about me or my dreams. I am tired of it and prefer to invest my time into improving health and well being.  I haven't been to Busboys once. I work, go to class, and come home. On the weekends I grocery shop and if lucky get pampered.  I want...

I miss trust and intimacy.  It has been a very long time since I loved anyone deeply with my body and soul. I guess it is more apparent now that I am slowly piecing my life back together.  Those quiet moments of nuzzles and giggles are absent. That warmth that spreads through my body when he whispers in my ear, or holds me by my waist, or kisses me deeply and passionately. Yeah, I miss all of that.

I spoke to a former coworker this evening who reminded me inadvertently that I need to protect my boundaries. I reflected on this past year and how I allowed work and later the board position to disrespect my time and personal needs. I never want to allow myself to be in that position again. Thus, why I am ok with walking away from what is no longer serving me. Self preversation at all costs.

I am sitting around today contemplating my life. I am not one to easily give up, but as a realist I like to be honest about my life. I can't swing both school and work right now so I will give up school. Yes, I am close to the end but I am so uninvested (or is it divested?) in this program. I am so disillusioned about my field that I don't want to invest the time or energy into  it. I want to work and be able to come home, relax, and carve time out on the weekend to relax. I need to get my weight and pressure down. I need to prioritize my life. I spent so many years in that struggle unnecessarily. I should have left New York years ago. Why did I suffer so long? I'm comfortable now . Life is not perfect, but I am making the best of it and I am not struggling. I have come to realize that the struggle is not beautiful. Naw, I am not about that life. I am content living in comfort and my focus is on making the best life for me. To work and write would suit me fine. My next adv...

Well, here it is, November. The leaves have started to turn and I should be out with my camera capturing the beauty of it all before it transforms into bare branches and frozen sidewalks. I hadn't treated myself to a massage in a long time and I was feeling tight. So I broke down and went to the massage place near me after work. I don't like it because they are expensive and don't give good massages, but I thought it might help my pressure go down. Instead I am now out of pocket and still tight. So, I will be rolling up to Rockville either today after work or tomorrow to go to the other place where they actually get the kinks out. I don't really like that place either, but they are only $45 for an hour and get the job done. I really miss my Tui Na place in New York. I am starting to feel more at ease. Now that I have decided that school is just going to have to suffer while I focus on getting a good evaluation at work. I am used to being able to do it all, but this ...