Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

There is a cafe I go to when I need a reprieve from work. I have started to bond with the guys who work there. One of the guys, a Mexican immigrant, is dating a Aussie. I met them the night that the world was supposed to end. I recently asked him how she was doing and he mentioned the fact that despite the fact that they miss each other a lot they at least have Skype to help. He said he couldn't imagine how people used to do it. Well, as someone who used to do it "the old-fashioned" way, there were a lot of phone calls and even *gasp* writing letters. Back then we didn't even email or text! Crazy, right? I am not really that old, right?

I caught a whiff of Egyptian Musk the other day. A brother must have dressed his locs with it. It brought back memories of my Brooklyn days when I was in my Egyptian Musk phase. I do miss Brooklyn.

Today I wasn't as alert as I normally would be. I was preoccupied with my thoughts of escape. Escape from the unproductive day I just had. Escape from the bitter and brutal cold I was standing in. I made a misstep that could have caused me my life. I normally wouldn't have made the choices I made but I did. My being is so clouded right now that my normally sharp inner senses are dull. I couldn't figure out what to do. I had been waiting out in the cold for close to half in hour. My feet were beginning to numb and there was still no bus in sight. A vehicle that at first sight appeared to be a legit dollar cab pulled over. I thought to verify it by checking the license plates like I normally do, but because the driver caught me off guard I didn't. I regretted that the minute I stepped in the car. The odor of marijuana was strong and the rap music on the radio was loud. I started trying to figure out how I was going to get myself out of that situation. I unrolled the w...

I think one of the reasons depressive episodes can last so long is because there reaches a point where you are all alone. Everyone else has given up on you and left you to wallow in your woes. The strange part is when you are ready to come out again and no one is there. I guess this requires starting fresh. Major life changes like weight loss, hair cut, a move to a new city, a new job, and/or international travel can jump start a new beginning and a shift of energy when life grows stale.

A coworker lost her 10 month old baby to the flu yesterday. How does anyone comprehend that? How does one ever get over that kind of a loss? I can't imagine how much pain she must be in right to lose her first and only child. I can imagine the guilt she feels for returning to work so soon. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't come back to work. I would want to curl up in a ball and never get up again. That is how I was when my mother died. I would sleep and want to stay in that place, never having to deal with the reality of the situation. My aunt wasn't having it. She didn't allow me go into that place as long as she was around. We had arrangements to make so that she could go on with her life. I already suffered from depression so losing my mother was a huge blow. As soon as I started to come out of that loss then my brother died. I spiraled. How do you go on when you lose someone who meant the world to you?

While I suspected it all along I am pretty sure that I have been in a mild-depressive funk for the last 3 years or so. The name for it? Dysthymia . I learned that depressive episodes can last from two weeks to 3 years. Since it has been about 3 years since I feel like I have shut down emotionally I think I might finally be coming out of it. I am so ready to make positive changes to my life. I want to move out of this city, travel, change jobs, get healthy, lose weight, cut my hair, date, and start over. I have already started to make healthier lifestyle changes and I am motivated to start a work out routine. I am actively looking for a job and made up my mind that I will quit this one at the end of the contract. I still need to be able to take care of my financial commitments, so I might need to change careers as well. I should be making at least $10-15K more a year than I do now. That would allow me to travel and save. Fear. Fear is false expectations appearing real. Am I willin...

I have someone on my timeline who always types these negative and somewhat cryptic status updates that are obviously directed at a specific person. I find it so annoying. I feel like she is being judgmental of another and their journey, while her own life if in the crapper. Not really sure how she feels that she should be judging anyone but herself. Don't throw stones when your own house is made of cracked glass. Focus on solving your own problems and stop doling out unsolicited advice. If you were so smart you wouldn't be in the effed up situation you are right now. That's all I have to say.

Despite not doing anything yesterday I wound up have a relatively productive Sunday. Everything isn't done of course, but I feel like I am moving closer to reaching my goals. I did a little laundry and to my utter disgust found a giant bedbug in the clean sheets that I pulled out of the dryer. I don't have bedbugs so it must have been trapped in the dryer vents. Ugh! I really need to get my own washer and dryer. I went through some mail that is piling up and got rid of some clutter that had piled up. I have gotten back into the habit of straightening up as I go so I am finally seeing some progress around my apartment. If we could get a delicious spring day I would fling open all of the windows and deep clean my apartment. So, although I have been keeping track of my deadlines on my calendar I seemed to have overlooked one. I have reports due this coming Wednesday and I am not even halfway finished. I started working on it while in D.C., but haven't looked at it since. I a...

I am a list maker. If I don't organize my thoughts in writing then I start to feel overwhelmed and I shut down. I make list for everything from work related tasks, shopping lists, home related tasks, bills that need to be paid, etc. Since I am no longer using my "smartphone" to stay organized (what a crock that was) I went back to the old school analog pen to paper calendar. I don't get distracted by incoming emails or frozen up when trying to plan. I make it a point to check my calendar daily to see what I need to focus on that day. I have one calendar at work, one to carry around with me, and three at home - kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom. I am serious about staying on top of my life this year. If I constantly have dates staring at me I am less likely to procrastinate. At least that is the theory behind it. The next thing I need to do is break my tasks down into small chunks. Planning to work on a particular project on a particular day for 2 hours so that my wor...

I think people must think I am on that sticky icky. I had a hard time getting my mind right this morning so I burned some sage. Why on earth did I do that. Sage is so strong and it lingers. It was all in my clothes. I tried to cover the scent with perfume, but it was too strong.  I will say that that sage did the trick. It is so calming and relaxing. I had a great day and I will attribute it to meditating and burning sage. Will I do it again before leaving the house for work? Heck no! Fortunately my boss also burns sage so if I had been called in to ask me why I smell sweet and smoky she would understand. Everyone else just kept looking at me with a knowing glance. Let the rumors swirl!

Tunnel in Central Park  © 2012 I checked my work emails and received some news about changes that I am hoping will benefit my situation and make my remaining time tolerable, if not joyful. Help is on the way! I was going back feeling hopeless that I would have to continue to suffer through as I have over the past few months. All I can say is to remain faithful and never give up hope. I am going in with a positive mindset and will try to make the best of the workplace circumstances. I had a laundry list (and laundry was one of the items on that list!) of things that needed to get done while I was on vacation. I only crossed off a few items because I vegged out most of the time watching Korean drama. I have become hooked on them. They are so juicy! I find myself watching hours of episodes well into the night and early morning. I have forced myself to take a break so that I can focus on completing the rest of the items on my list. I have also been going back and forth about c...

I've been meaning to blog on this site, but I don't want to stink up the place with negativity. I've been so unhappy with work and life circumstances in general. Nothing major (praise God!) but just general discontent with everything. I'm restless. I want to have fun. I want to be in love again. The strange thing is that I had absolutely no interest in love for so long. Not since Supastar and I called it quits and we know how long that has been. Yet, recently that love bug has been stirring up inside of me. I've been craving intimacy. I've been lonely. I probably shouldn't say this, but I am afraid that I am going to die alone. I have no parents, no siblings, and I am not very close with the rest of my family. I've managed to alienate everyone and now there is just me with nothing to show for my life. I had an epiphany while driving up a dark highway last night. I realized that I have been here for 15 years and not been in a serious relationship. I...