Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Perhaps this funk I have fallen into could partially be attributed to the fact that today is my mother's birthday. She would have been on the brink of a biggie next year.  One of those birthdays that you would make a huge deal about. I can't believe it has been so long since she left this world. I still dream about her. I will never forget the influence she had on my life. I love my mommy and miss her so.

There have been many emails, memes, and blog post about what it means to be a Strong Black Woman. Michelle Obama spoke recently about the stereotype of the Angry Black Woman (ABW) but what about the fallacy that we must always be strong? As the product of generations of female headed household, I was raised to be fiercely independent and a SBW. This made me an ABW in the long run. I thought of this when Michelle spoke of being labeled an ABW, but also when I spoke to someone today who told me that her father passed, but she didn't show emotion to her daughters. How the hell do you NOT show emotion when your father dies? It is an unrealistic an unhealthy expectation. Little black girls should NOT be raised to hide their emotions. I know how damaging it was to me. I used to cry at the drop of a hat as a child. They called me sensitive. I was labeled weak. Eventually I learned to hide my emotions. To develop a "poker face." To never "let them see me sweat." I deve...

My cousin passed today. Sending her light and peace as she makes her journey to the next destination.

I am still very disturbed by the imagery of this situation . I couldn't imagine loving someone enough to give up my own life. Talk about being a loyal younger brother! What is particularly haunting are his final words, "Love ya' bro." Within an hour he was dead. How on earth does his brother live with that for the rest of his life? Was it worth it? He still has to go to jail and he no longer has his loyal little brother to pal around with. It couldn't have been worth it. What does the rest of the family think of this selfish individual?

I thought I would escape the annual holiday blues, but I guess I was wrong. My aunt invited to California and I couldn't get myself together enough to go. Now I regret it. I am going to visit a friend for a few days. I hope that keeps the blues at bay. My cousin is dying. She was my mother's baby cousin. She didn't tell me she had cancer. I am feeling upset about that. I only found out from my other cousin. I knew that she was very sick. I also knew that she was very tired. I release her so she doesn't have to suffer anymore. There is nothing left to do and she has given up. I want to keep my memories of her as the vivacious person she is/was. She is a firecracker and she lived life according to her terms. God bless her and should she make another recovery, God keep her in comfort until you are ready for her.

I still hurt. My heart aches with the remembrance of massive loss on that that fateful day 10 years ago. I have been avoiding the TV hype about the 10th anniversary, yet I still find my heart is heavy. I think about my former coworker who was at the tower that morning for a meeting. A helluva guy! Friendly, family oriented, hard working. Gone in the blink of an eye. We are not promised tomorrow. Let us cherish each second of each day just as John did. I will forever have warm memories of his smile and easy conversation. I could only hope to be remembered as fondly as John is remembered by those who were touched by his spirit.

It has been many years since I've celebrated mother's day. I am not a mother and my own mother has been gone for quite a while. I usually try to keep myself occupied - staying in to avoid the mother's and their children celebrating the day together so I won't start to miss my own mother. It doesn't help that her birthday and mine fall within the same month. May can be hard so I try to avoid thinking about it. I managed to do pretty well today. I slept most of the day, but now that I am up just thinking about my mom and the last months of her life. Thinking about the two men I was dating and how supportive they were before they abandoned me. Thinking that I probably could be and should be a mother, but at this point in my life have given up on that. Soooo, as my classmates become grandmothers and I find myself getting grayer and spreading wider, I wonder what the future has in store. Perhaps I will be lucky like my cousin BeeBee and finally marry the right man la...

First my coffee grinder that I've had for years stops grinding. Then my coffee maker literally explodes on me this morning. I went to push in the start button and a flame shot out at me. Excuse the pun but I would have been toast! What is going on? I guess I'll be adding a new coffeemaker to my wish list.

I ain't gone lie, a sister is going through some challenges right now. If you are a regular reader then you already know that my mother has been gone from this earth for a number of years. She died in 1995. Yet, for some reason my mind keeps playing tricks on me. Every day for the past few weeks I have felt like I can just pick up the phone and call my mom. I don't know if it is because she is watching over me or if it is some other strange spiritual phenomenon going on in the universe. I miss my mom. Supastar and I are working on staying in touch. I was having a particularly bad day last week and texted him. Being ever practical he texted back "life is a continuous up and down ride." I'll say! While it wasn't the comfort I was looking for, it was a dose of reality. I really need for things to get better. I know there are lessons embedded in this long, drawn out series of bad days. I need to run the course, but I can't help to worry that bet...