Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I wake up each morning dreading going to work. Even on the days that I don't have work I procrastinate. I already said that I love to sleep and dream. My dreams (for the most part) are quite lovely where I am having wonderful conversations with positive people who feed my spirit. In real life this isn't the case. I am left feeling awkward, anxious, and scrutinized. I also ALWAYS have work to do. I always bring work home and try to get "ahead" but I never get ahead. This year in particular we have had extra busy work to complete and the amount of mental space it takes up is exhausting. I think I am not so much physically tired as I am mentally tired. Tired of swimming upstream. Tired of faking the funk with mentally unstable people. Tired of having to prove my abilities over and over again. Someone hit the nail on the head recently when they said that younger workers don't necessarily have more energy than more experienced workers. They just do everything tha...

I love to sleep. I think I love dreaming the most. Lately I've been dreaming of people that I don't know. Not sure what that means. Perhaps I will meet them in the future or I knew them in a past life. I just know that my dream life is an escape from my real life. The longer I am off of work the more I don't want to go back. I will suck it up though and pray that it will help me move to the next level. I really want to leave this city. Not necessarily this area because it could just be where I am working that doesn't suit me. I know that this isn't the end of my story. There is more to come and it will be more beautiful than ever.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...self-care is so important. I tacked on two sick days to my Friday off and I felt no anxiety about it. I needed it. I needed to regroup. I needed to remember who I am. I am better. I slept most of the time. Caught up on some work. Then, self-care. I don't regret it. How can I be there for others when I don't have anything left to give? Replenished and ready to push through until the end of the year. Still very much considering quitting in December, but I have to figure some things out first.

OK, it's probably not what you think but it's not misleading. I did quit. I quit my part-time job. I had a strong feeling that it was going to happen, but I was hoping for the best. I won't go into detail but it was a relief to no longer have that extra responsibility on my shoulders. I am grateful for the opportunity and the extra income but I am OK. I know it happened for a reason. Now, I just need to make it to the end of the year so I can quit my full-time job. Yes, I plan to quit my full-time job! If my back pay winds up being enough to sustain me for a few months I plan to buy out my lease, move to a place that is half the price, and set up shop to follow my dreams. I thought my part-time job would be there to sustain me but it won't be so I will find something else. I have some online options that I am considering and I have always enjoyed the flexibility of temporary employment to fill in the gaps. I just love the freedom of having an open schedule. I knew...

I am in discomfort. I am not in pain. Well, not physical pain. But my spirit is uneasy. I have a constant knot in my stomach. The feeling that I will get in trouble for something. Yet, I have done nothing wrong. I seem to have the anxiety attacks under control for now. But all of this spiritual unrest is sending me a signal that I cannot ignore. It is time to go. I have overstayed my welcome and I need to get out. No doubt about the message that I am receiving. I am spending time in meditation, reflection, and devotion. It is a test of my faith. Of my patience and my ability to push on despite negative forces working against me. Standing in my power. Standing in my strength. Being held up by my ancestors. I'm feeling like no matter what happens it will provide a necessary shift and provide a sense of relief. Like when you have a painful boil or cyst and it finally reaches the point where it needs to release. When that boil finally bursts the sense of relief it provides redu...

Lately, I have been reflecting on the general mood of the society and it is not good. The pure joy that people used to have is gone. At least where I live everyone is simply surviving, but no one is genuinely happy. Perhaps it my geographic location. I have lived in places that lend themselves to restoring a sense of peace in people. Places near or surrounded by oceans are healing. Places that vibrate on a different frequency - either high energy like New York or low energy like a tropical island attract certain people who also vibrate at that frequency. My current location is filled with transplants from the Midwest. The Midwest has a lower frequency and they bring that energy with them rather than tapping into the energy of the place they are moving. They do it through gentrification rather than assimilating into neighborhoods. The conflict and the division creates tension and there is a constant state of dishonesty that creates distrust. I don't vibe with people out here becau...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsAkJQvB0LQ Finding Beauty in Your Waiting Period| Natasha J Bedford

I will be 49 on my next birthday. That is a bitter pill to swallow, but I have always thought that my life would open up once I turned 50. Not sure why 50 was the magical number (Oprah or someone probably said so) but I don't dread the big five oh I am looking forward to it! With that said, I am really having a hard time right now. I am close to 20 years in my career and feeling like I am failing. Evidence (data) suggests that I am still success, but feedback from the power players is chipping away at my spirit. I recently decided that maybe my next move would be to train others. I work with two different groups doing this. I get nothing but positive praise from one and nothing but negative feedback from the other.  I will say that the climate of this country is effed up and I think race plays a major role in how I am perceived in different settings. I will just leave it at that.  With that said, I am at a crossroads as to where I am going next and what I am goin...