Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Well, I received some news today that could essentially be a set back for what I thought was going to happen. It is a huge set back. My faith tells me to take my hands off of it and place it in the hands of the Lord. That this is something that can be overcome. That we walk by faith and not by sight. I have to believe that He didn't bring me this far to leave me. I have to believe that God wouldn't have brought me this far to leave me. This year has been so challenging. A true test of faith and endurance. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with Him fore...

I am in such a strange place emotionally. I should be energized and motivated to take on the challenge of the path that I have set out before me. It is so unusual for me to be in this blah place. This place of discomfort and disease. I am unsettled and no matter what I do there is this feeling on uncertainly in my gut. I guess it is the same feeling as the guy at the job fair described: a rollercoaster ride. I am up and down and anxious and relieved all at once. It is very overwhelming. I am slowly beginning to release New York. First my job, today one of the schools I applied to there, and finally it will be my apartment. Yet, I am only casually and half-heartedly looking for an apartment here. Part of the reason is because I have yet to receive my commitment. Today I should have gotten up early to go out and take care of business. That was my intention. Instead it is almost 2:00 PM and I am lounging around. I haven't been sleeping well so I am up and down. I haven't been eati...

I had an interview today with a gentleman who said to me that I have a thing for major cities. I have to admit that it is true. I am a city gal through and through. I grew up in a major city and I have tried to live in as many as possible. I have live in San Francisco, LA, Washington, D.C.,  and New York. I have wanted to live in Chicago, Philadelphia, Atlanta. Yes, I have a thing a for cities. Yet, I have a thing for suburbs too. While I was born and raised in a major city my neighborhood wasn't urban. People often remarked it was sort of suburban. So, I have always had a thing for suburbs too. Maryland, Burbank, Jersey, Hayward, San Jose. I like the 'burbs too. I still want the house, SVU, and quiet nights free of sirens. I have a thing for living a good life.

This year I have had to make some tough choices. I have struggled with letting go. I had to release people and situations from my life that do not serve me. I had to do this because it was eating me up inside to continue living the way I have been living. I am at a crossroads. I almost feel as if I am going against the grain right now as circumstances are not falling into place as they were before. I am wondering if I need to change direction and seek out opportunities elsewhere. I am questioning and doubting my choices. Not my choices to release these toxic people from my life, but for the next steps. I couldn't sleep tonight and I began to remember how I left where I lived before. How no one was there for me. How only a couple of people actually stayed in contact once I left. It made me question whether I am making a wise choice to return. Whether I was simply taking what I perceived to be the easy route. One thing is for sure. I have to leave where I am now. It doesn't...

I would title this post sleeping in a strange bed, however I have slept in this bed so much over the past two years until it may as well be mine. I traveled by train today for an interview in the morning. I will then probably grab some lunch before heading over to the job fair. I wish I could say I felt nervous, excited, or something. I can say that I feel that this is where I belong right now. We aren't talking forever, though it could be. I never felt that New York would be my 'forever.' place. I always felt that this could be. It is just so easy to live here. Relaxed and quiet most of the time. Less expensive to eat out. Easy to get around on public transportation for the most part. Ask me again once I am established here, but right now I am sure I will adjust easily. Once I finish the interview and job fair I will take my hands off of it. I have been obsessed with finding a job. It is all I have been able to think about. Maybe my focus should be less on getting out ...

I am waiting. I wish I could say I am waiting patiently, but I am impatient as a mug. I am restless, not sleeping well, and emotional. I had a call from the area code where I am moving come in and got excited. It wasn't who I expected, but it was an offer fr another interview. So Sunday I am back on the train and heading down to do the interview in the morning and the job fair in the afternoon. I am thinking I can maybe pop in (call first) on the first interviewer for a tour. I really was hoping I would have heard a yes or no by now, but I will continue to be patient wait and carry on with what needs to be done to keep me from checking my email every few minutes. I am so obsessive. I am just ready for this part of the journey to be over so I can move on to other matters. I still have to find a place there, cancel my lease, pack, clean, throw stuff away, donate stuff, etc. I am tired. Taking a nap. **********  Update: Took a nap and feel better. Dreamed that I was a large...

I called my boss and told her that I decided to move away and I need her to be a reference. It was difficult, but I did it. She took it better than I expected. I was very emotional all day though. Played gospel music - John P. Kee, Commisioned, Kirk Franklin and just to throw things off a bit some Eric B. and Rakim (the gospel according to Rakim Allah?) Anyway, I cried and praised and shouted and sang. My heart was full. I realized just how deeply hurt I was and that it will be OK now. That I now have the chance to rediscover joy. That I don't have to be stuck in this cycle anymore. That I can start fresh and create new, healthier habits and patterns. Whew! What a day. So, I sent my information and now I wait for official word. I need this change like I need fresh air. I started thinking that had I not decided to do something that I might not make it another year. My life was killing me. Physically and mentally. I have the opportunity for a fresh start. I am so grateful to God fo...

Well, I think I might have a new job. Only problem is he wants to check my references. So, I started to freak out...just a little. Then I sat myself down and told myself that I need to leave this current job regardless of what happens and I would manage to get by just like I did last time if for some reason this potential job falls through. He is really anxious to fill this position so that means I will have to call my boss in the morning and tell her that I am looking for another job out of state and I need her as a reference. I have already drafted the letter of resignation. Once I made that decision, surprisingly all of the nervousness disappear. It was as if my soul said yes. I've been dragging this out for so long. I am going to be OK. Although I almost had a fainting spell this evening after dinner. I think I might have been dehydrated. I never experienced anything like it before. Everything started to shut down on my and I didn't know if I was dying, having a stroke,...

At least that seems to be the case here....that what I said yesterday is how this is all going to play out. I am not in control of this situation at all. If I indeed move out state I will NOT be attending school. There was a misunderstanding regarding finances (the misunderstanding was that something was not communicated) so I will need to try to formulate a plan B and C because based on what I have learned during this job search, I will be needing another degree. Huge sigh! Oh well, I can always stay here and go to school, but I really don't want to make that choice. I REALLY don't want to do that at all. Yes, I have options, but they are not options that are what I anticipated. So, now everything depends on the job search. I have about an hour before my phone interview. While the job is not ideal I have heard great thing about the leadership and trust that it will be a better situation than the one I find myself in now. I can't imagine having to spend another year goi...

And just like that I have a phone interview. Not one of my top choices, but I am leaving myself open. I am realizing that I am trying to control this situation and this isn't up to me to control. I set the intention, but then I have to allow the Universe to work it out the way it is going to work it out. Fighting it just frustrates me. Read today: 5-steps-to-harness-the-power-of-intention by Deepak Chopra And while I have steps 1-3 down, I need to practice steps 4-5. I continue to be a work in progress.

 As I sit here trying not to freak out about the next step I have been given messages about how to proceed. I was budgeting and paying bills today when I realized that I only have a couple of checks left before I need to have another job in place and even then there might be a gap between my last check from the old job and the first check from the new. This was cause for alarm because I have my student loan payments that I need to stay on top of as well as a few other bills that are pressing. Not to mention that I need to have cash ready for the move itself and to move in to a new place.  I read some calming messages that said: All is perfect. All is well.   My life unfolds in divine time.    But this one was the clincher: My heart leads me to my right path.   I will travel many pathways during my lifetime. Some may take me only a short distance; others I will travel for years. On my journey, I will have countless opportuni...

I keep vacillating between staying and going. I really don't want to stay, but my goal to to not settle. To have everything go according to plan A and not undervalue myself. Well, since things don't seem to be going according to plan A I guess I will need to make alternative plans. Today I sat and thought about it. Staying will be plan Z. Last resort. I have to go. Even if it means I accept a job at a low end, bottom tier location it will have to be better than the @#%&hole I work at now.   I went through my old posts to pinpoint when exactly I fell out of love with my job. I realized that I have been unhappy for at least 6 years. Every post for the past 6 years has a pattern. I hate my job. I hate my apartment. I hate my neighborhood. I need more money. There are a few positive and uplifting post scattered in between but for the past 6 years I have been miserable. That changes this year. New plan: move next month accept job not on my high ranking list for at least...

I am stuck. No really, I am really stuck. I can't seem to move forward and I am getting scared that my plans are not going to pan out as I hoped. I am ready to throw in the towel, but I can't fathom staying where I am. I need hope.

Oh my goodness, someone just warmed my heart. Made it skip and dance. I haven't felt that way in so long until I thought I was no longer capable of it. He is a poet. An intellectual. A writer. A beautiful man. Polished. Southern. And he awakened something inside of me. Yet, I've never met him. Yet.

I have been recovering. As I have been waiting, researching, and preparing I have spent a lot of time alone. It is finally cooling off a bit, though it is still too hot for my liking. During my alone time I have been reflecting. Missing those who are no longer here. Remember past hurts. Trying to connect the pain to the feelings of being hurt and disrespected this year. Trying to figure out why I allowed it to go on for so long. I have also begun to allow discouraging thoughts to creep in as well. It is too quiet. I haven't heard from neither the university or prospective employers. I feel stuck. I am beginning to wonder if I will have to stay after all, though I can't fathom having yet another year like the past two. Trying to remain resilient about keeping my standards high and not settling for plan b. Trying to figure out what is out of alignment. Needing to get my life in order. Today I took a day off from my constant search for information. I am really not willing to...

Things have come to a stand still which is a little frustrating. It seemed that everything was falling into place and I was busily making all of the pieces fit together. Then, suddenly nothing seems to be happening. In other news, we are having a heatwave and it is beyond hot. I have relegated myself to my bedroom where the air condition is running while the rest of the apartment feels like an oven. It was so hot that I actually had to check the oven, which doesn't work by the way, to see if was on. I have recommitted to my health and as soon as I can I will need to recalibrate my body with a fast and cleanse. Looking forward to the changes in my future and clarity. I am committed to honoring myself physically and spiritually. I have allowed myself to be abused for too long. I don't know why or when I become a doormat, but it is over now.  I will have to take some risks and it might be scary, but I need to grow and rediscover my power. Dream big. Live life to the fullest....