Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I am struggling to survive in a world that seems to want to see me down. I thought I was in a good place then suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me. I suddenly went from being amazing and blessed to being someone who doesn't matter. And it makes it more difficult because I am alone. I miss my family. I feel isolated from everyone. I don't have a network. I used to be able to bump into someone on the streets in NY and my spirit would be renewed but not here. I like living in this area. In this complex and apartment even but it doesn't feed my spirit. I don't have the human contact that I need. The human interaction that I need so I don't implode. Which I actually did on Friday. I have been holding so much in and building so much up and it was taking a toll on me in every way. I came home and decided that I am going to quit my job. I called my godmother and spilled my heart out to her about how I was feeling. I felt that it was futile. Instead of having a ...

Perhaps this funk I have fallen into could partially be attributed to the fact that today is my mother's birthday. She would have been on the brink of a biggie next year.  One of those birthdays that you would make a huge deal about. I can't believe it has been so long since she left this world. I still dream about her. I will never forget the influence she had on my life. I love my mommy and miss her so.

I am still very disturbed by the imagery of this situation . I couldn't imagine loving someone enough to give up my own life. Talk about being a loyal younger brother! What is particularly haunting are his final words, "Love ya' bro." Within an hour he was dead. How on earth does his brother live with that for the rest of his life? Was it worth it? He still has to go to jail and he no longer has his loyal little brother to pal around with. It couldn't have been worth it. What does the rest of the family think of this selfish individual?

Although I have been blogging more over here I have actually been spending less time on line and more time being connected to life. Today was a long but blessed day. I spent the morning celebrating the achievements of young people moving up in the world. I then had a long lunch with my assistant who is leaving to take another job. The lunch was on someone who gave us gift cards to Applebees...we have drinks and salads! Classy! I then went to Brooklyn to pick up my cousin so we could drive to New Jersey to pick up another cousin for dinner. We had dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and caught up. Then went back to Brooklyn from Jersey and then home. Whew! What a day! It is now 1:30 PM and I need to at a meeting at 9:00 AM. Guess I should call it a night.

We have been studying India. We recently learned that the Taj Mahal...one of the 7 wonders of the world ... is a shrine to a lost love. The Shah lost his favorite wife -- one of many -- and built this monument in her memory. He killed many people in his venture and even fell out of favor with his own family as a result. How different is this from what goes on today?  Women sharing men. Like it is part of our culture to contine to be concubines and second, third, and fourth wives to men who have no standing. We are no better than animals that breed in this manner. I made this connection today when talking to someone who was telling me that her only son was being ostracized by his father's new "wife."  Now I've seen the man and yes he is very good looking. But his has no social standing nor the means to support all of the children that he has brought into the world through (at our count) three different women. There was a prior relationship that resulted in two to t...

After my brother's DWI, it went downhill from there. Apparently this was not his first DWI and the prosecutor was not lenient. It must have been during my this time that my brother came into contact with the guy he eventually moved to LA with. Due to my brother's DWI, he lost everything. In this time out godmother had also died, so his go to person was no longer there for support. He was eventually evicted from his townhouse that he lived in for over two decades and moved to LA. He had also been diagnosed with HIV. An amazing fact about my brother is that many of his friends and lovers died during that first big wave of HIV/AIDs. My brother worked in a hospital, so I think he had access to the early cocktails. He lived for a good 15 years with the disease. When I went to visit my brother in LA, I was in awe of how he was living. It was not his lifestyle at all. He was not working and his apartment and neighborhood were not nearly what he was used to. I remember staying one ...

My brother has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. It is not his birthday and it isn't the anniversary of his death, but I have been thinking about him a lot. Just to put it out there...my brother was gay. Like of the rainbow coalition type of gays. He lived in San Francisco and did everything in the Castro. He participated in gay pride parades. He was gay. Now, I never had any shame in his orientation because I never knew any better. I just thought he was uber-fabulous and never noticed when I was growing up that he only had men friends. To be honest, it wasn't really a secret. But, as a child you don't know any better and you certainly donn't have the vocabulary to describe it until someone gives it to you. Well, my godsister point-blank gave it to me one day in my godmother's car. She said something about people being gay. I was about 11 years old at the time and innocently asked what gay was. Strangely, when gay was described to me as people who like pe...

I ain't gone lie, a sister is going through some challenges right now. If you are a regular reader then you already know that my mother has been gone from this earth for a number of years. She died in 1995. Yet, for some reason my mind keeps playing tricks on me. Every day for the past few weeks I have felt like I can just pick up the phone and call my mom. I don't know if it is because she is watching over me or if it is some other strange spiritual phenomenon going on in the universe. I miss my mom. Supastar and I are working on staying in touch. I was having a particularly bad day last week and texted him. Being ever practical he texted back "life is a continuous up and down ride." I'll say! While it wasn't the comfort I was looking for, it was a dose of reality. I really need for things to get better. I know there are lessons embedded in this long, drawn out series of bad days. I need to run the course, but I can't help to worry that bet...

I couldn't think of a cutesy, clever title for this post so I am just calling it untitled and putting today's date. I am exhausted. Physically and mentally. I have been going through my storage unit in preparation for shipping my left over stuff back to my apartment. I have been going through old pictures, papers, documents, birth certificates, death certifications, photos, books, letters, cards, and more. The three to five people who actually read this blog know that I am basically alone in the world. I lost my mother in the mid 90s and 11 months later lost my brother. I have both of their things in the storage unit as well mixed in with my old college papers and high school paraphernalia. It is not just a matter of getting my load down for economic reasons but for emotional reasons as well. You see, these memories have been locked away, collecting dust for over 10 years. So, yeah...it's time to let them breathe. It's hard to let go.

So things have settled in a smooth lull since the last time I typed a post. My move went smoothly and I love my new space! Little miss kitty is still getting used to it and I feel bad about the fact that as soon as she settles into this spot we will be back in NYC in our old place. I miss New York soooo much! Who knew that it had captured my heart! I knew that I would have a greater appreciation for it once I left it. Funny, you have two sets of NY ex-pats out here. First set - they love every smelly, grimy layer of the city and go back every chance they get. Second set - they can take it or leave it and really only go back because their family is still there. I think I fall somewhere in between. I spent most of the weekend shopping and watching DVDs. Since I've been gone I've fallen behind on my movie watching. So far I in love with Dreamgirls and Madagascar. I have a lot of movies to catch up on. Even though I now have cable (included in my rent, thank you very ...

So, I've moved...again! But only until the end of the summer when I plan to move back to my "old life." This new one lost it's shine quite a few months back. Anyway, I am now doing the suburban thing and guess what? I like it! As much as I am a "city girl" the suburbs keep me sane. I can leave my job (which makes me want to cry at times) to come to the peace and quiet of the 'burbs. Of course, when I move back to the BIG city all of that will be a distant memory but that will be something to be dealt with down the road. My aunt (paternal) sent me a tex the other day. Basically she said that I haven't been returning her calls and she doesn't know what is up, etc., etc. The thing is a.) I've been here for over 6 months now and no one in my family has gone out of their way to see about me. I never ask my family for anything but whenever I do I get a no -- hence -- I don't ask my family for anything. The bottomline is, I feel like my...