Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

As I look back over my Novembers past I see a trend. I am in rut. Every.single.fall. I am unmotivated, uninspired, and don't want to interact with anyone. If I could hibernate until spring I would. S.A.D. is real. I need to find a way to reenergize. I need to find a way to feel inspired again. I am tired of my energy and moods being up and down. I wish I could be energetic and bubbly. I wish I was the type of person who could reach deep down inside and fake it to make it. It is a beautiful sunny day out. It was yesterday as well and I don't want to leave my apartment. My apartment is clean and my clothes are washed an ready for the week ahead. I cooked chicken and chicken soup yesterday and cleaned up a bit but that was all I had the energy to do. I got up and made pancakes for breakfast. I need to go grocery shopping and I am long overdue for a pedicure, eyebrow wax, and massage. Yet, I can't find the motivation to leave. I just want to stay home. Worst case scenario I...

When I was little I had no idea what I wanted to be. I think I just wanted to be happy and free. Whenever I responded that I didn't know what I wanted to be I would be chastised. I was told, "You should want to be doctor (not a nurse)."  "You should never teach. You'll never have any money." At six years I was told that I should know what I want to be. By the time I was in high school I still didn't have an idea until one day I discovered I have a passion for TV. I pursued it, but she didn't love me back. I never had enough hustle to make it happen. So eventually I learned to settle. Now I am back where I started. When I grow up, I want to be happy.  I am reading my morning devotional based on Romans 12:2 and it is on this very topic. Everything I have been reading lately has been on this topic. Could it be a sign? Just because you are good at something doesn't mean it is your calling. I should have learned this lesson the last time. Dare to ...

Sometimes you've just got to tell folks that "they've got to do better."  Today was one of those times. Girlfriend was mad, but she knew she had to step her game up. I think she is finally realizing that this is real life. I'm going to need you to do your job and I need you do it well. So I put a plan of action into place. Weekly meetings to check in on her progress, prioritizing projects for her (since she can't seem to handle it on her own), helping her plan ahead so our volunteers can help her get organized and stop hiding work!  This girl has a lot of poor work habits. I think she thought it was enough to just show up to work on time every day [insert buzzer] WRONG! If she needs to come in early or stay late to get her work done then that is what she has to do. Hell, everyone else does it. I hope that we can eventually be on the same page, because I am about ready to beat her ass! If she can't handle this job I am wondering how the hell she is goin...

Why can't people just be honest? With me and with themselves.  Every time I think my assistant is improving she does some dumb stuff that makes me want to rip my hair out. When I hired her I told her what I needed and she ensured that she could deliver. When I ask her to do something she either totally doesn't understand what I need or totally blows it off. I keep finding crap I asked her do months ago buried under piles of papers or not even started. Even when I follow up with her to see how she is doing on something she either 'forgot' or is still working on it. Mind you, this is stuff I asked her to start months prior. I wind up doing most of it myself. Some of it is slightly challenging so she can learn how to do it, but even the really simple mindless stuff is getting pushed off. That is so frustrating because I need the stuff done. What does she think, that the stuff is going to go away because I don't ask her about it every single minute of ever day? When she...

Today we had snow flurries. Not enough to stick, but it was a virtual snow globe of the wet flakes flying through the mean streets and slapping people in the face. I was in a pretty good mood today, but there are people at my job who w ant to see me broken. Bowed head and lowered eyes, Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries.  -Maya Angelou  We talk so much about bullies, but adults can be worse bullies than kids. I grew up being bullied, so I know when someone is trying to intimidate me and be condescending. It is sad, really. We are supposed to be professionals, but we are reduced to interacting with one another like children.When there is that much tension and animosity in the workplace, I know that it is time to go.  We had meetings all day and my boss took the back seat. She is checked out and I think just waiting for her next opportunity to arrive. She definitely bit off more than she could chew with this job. Bless her heart. ...

Today I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. Perhaps I am on the verge of a breakthrough. I literally felt broken this afternoon. I couldn't go back to sleep last night so I started looking into going back to school this year. I'm in the process of completing my application now. I have to go. I started crying because this community breaks my heart. I try my hardest, but I always wind up being pegged the "bad guy." I quit! When things get like this, I know that it is time for me to go. So I am going. I have to go now. There is a lead position open for applicants at my job for September. They want you to do the equivalent of another job for an extra $9K. Why not round it up to $10K? Better yet it should be $12K. No one wants the extra work. Who can blame them? You aren't appreciated for what you already do so why do more? *shrugs* An extra $9K won't bring me joy. I'm just ready to leave...now. Other people make decisions, yet I get blamed for them....

So, the reason I am feeling stuck right now is because my career path is my plan B. I was always taught to have a plan B prepared and this is it. It has served me well to basically keep my head above water (barely.) My aunt seems to think I should be grateful to not be in the same position as these folks.   While she has a point, she also needs to keep in mind that I invested EVERYTHING - money, time, relationships - into my education. I should be reaping what I sowed. Then I see other people out there who are true blue hustlers and I understand why I am where I am. My hustle factor is lacking. So 2012 is going to be the year of hustling. Hustle, hustle real hard!

Today at work reminded me why I am hustling so hard to get the hell up out of there this year! Morale stinks! My coworkers are so inappropriate and uninspired. Feels like high school with all the B.S. Moving on! Feel stuck, but I know I will be able to pull myself out of the mud and clean up.

I did something that was really selfish. And I don't feel bad about it. I'm so sick of feeling indebted to people. It is taking  toll on my soul. The thing about vacations is that they remind you what feeds your soul. I need to feed my soul. I spent the day job hunting. I need to have something lined up by April. This is my mission.

I am in the midst of change. I know. I know. I say it all the time. But my spirit was so restless yesterday. Ready to make moves. Big moves. Ready for the next adventure. With that comes the realization that I need to know what it is I want exactly. I needed to remember who I was so that I can become who I want to be. I feel like I am living a life that isn't mine. Like I am living someone else's life. It doesn't fit. I make it work to the best of my ability because that is what I do, but it is not healthy - spiritually or physically. So, who am I? I am a simple woman who likes the simple things in life. I got to thinking about this now that the holiday season is in full swing. Invitation to these swanky New York events where everyone is so superficial with their expensive clothes, gadgets, and made up lifestyles. It was fun when I first came to New York, but hell, I've been her for years now and I long for the mundane. I'm the one who gets up leisurely on a...

Can we honestly say this? We all have judgments. We all have opinions. We were trained that way. I remember being in school learning to write and we had to write an opinion piece. I struggled with it. I never really had strong opinions about anything other than eating beets or wearing certain clothes before that time. Should we strive to not not judge others? We all know the saying, "only God can judge me." Yet, we are judged by the world every second of the day. When you step on a bus or walk down the street someone is judging you. Is judging fair? Forcing your opinions on other people's lives? My environment is wearing me down. I know I am being judged and I in turn judge others harshly. Fear breeds contempt and I live in a community where in the millisecond your life can take a turn. Yet, we continue to sweat the small stuff. When I was getting myself all bent out of shape because of my phone situation I had to talk to myself. I told myself that this is minor is...

This is my season of discontent. So, this is my second day back to work and I am so unhappy. There are others also unhappy which means the overall energy is low. I hope I am so ready to move on. I hope things either get better, I learn to cope, or an opportunity presents itself that will give me an out.

We are bracing for another natural disaster. Hurricane Irene is supposedly barreling toward us. Earthquakes and hurricanes...end of time or simply a change of seasons. You decide. I am up and getting ready to meet my new assistant for coffee at a cafe that I purposely chose near where she lives. I received a call a few minutes ago from her asking if we were still meeting at our designated time and if I still wanted to meet then or if I wanted to meet later. Hmm, 11:00 A.M. is kind of late and I chose that time to make sure that people like me (later risers) could still be able to make it on time. She is making me nervous. She sounded like she had just woken up. After having someone like my last assistant I am really hoping that the new one doesn't have some of my same bad characteristics. I already know that will be a disaster in the making. I need someone who is going to balance me out. I am just going to stress how important it is that she be on top of things at all times. Rece...

Listening to Ledisi's "Going through Changes" as I type this Sunday afternoon. I'm on vacation and I swear it is the only time I ever feel like I am a real person. Going through the motions day by day wears on me. I get into these patterns and habits that are are smothering me. It's not until I stop and take a look at myself that I realize how much I tend to neglect myself for the sake of my job. It's not healthy. It's not emotionally or physically healthy. I spend my vacations regrouping only to fall back into those patterns. I'll eat better, rediscover my passions, get lots of sleep only to fall back into the same cycle. When it seems that I am able to stay the course then a wrench always get thrown into the mix. I need to start having contingency plans. Number one is restoring my health and well-being. Protecting myself emotionally from adult bullies is also high on the list. I didn't appreciate the fact that I am less than week from going on v...

When opportunity knocks....unfortunately opportunity is passing me by. I am so exhausted today that I can't get myself going. The kind of exhaustion that has you feeling spacey. This always happens to me and I always spend the first part of my vacation trying to recoup. It would be nice to know that vacation has officially begun, but I have to finish up on Monday so that thought of relaxation has be postponed. I received an email informing me that I won't be considered for the position I am trying to move into, but they are interested in meeting me for the position I already have. I really want to move up so making a lateral move is not an option. I have enough experience to make the move I just have to find someone who will help me make that jump.

Caught up on my sleep last night. I was exhausted. Slept for 6 hours then got up and did a little virtual job hunting. Just trying to get my feelers out there to see what else is out there. Yesterday left a really sour taste in my mouth. Slept soundly and now dragging to get out the door to finish up loose ends at work. Told the assistant to not worry about it since it was storming this morning. Whatever doesn't get done now will get done by the new assistant in August. I just like to be slightly ahead of the curve, but what can you do? I'm not thinking I need to pack all of my personal items separately just in case I do wind up getting an offer I can't refuse. One of the jobs I saw was an opportunity to merge into the area of focus I want to move in without having to go back to school. Change is scary but so necessary.

After feeling overlooked and taken for granted for months, I felt it was time to walk away. I couldn't forsee another year of working too many hours and never feeling like what I did was good enough. Today, I get a voice mail from H.R. telling me they want to have a meeting to discuss what options are available to me specifically. Should I even bother going through the motions? I have no intention of going back. I put in my time and now I am ready to move forward.

Maybe we should make it official...seems I only get on here to blog about once a month. So it must be about that time of the month. Lately I've been thinking about what is relevant and irrelevant. I tend to think that I am pretty irrelevant right now. When I ponder the past it seems like lifetimes ago. Little pockets of events...high school, college, grad school, New York and now this new phase. Did I mention that in a few weeks I will be 39 and I have the gray hairs to prove it! I haven't dated since SupaStar which leads me to believe that I am no longer relevant. As an only child who has grown into a single woman (never married with no kids) I often wonder what is relevant? Would I still feel this way if I'd instead set my sights on getting married and having a family rather than trying to be successful in a career? What is your definition of success?