Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I have spent the entire weekend doing back end "stuff" for my other websites. I want to get things in order in case I need to depend on them for income at some point. My boss has been firing people left and right and I don't want to get caught out there. Trying to define my brand and market myself for opportunities that could result in me changing directions. It's an investment worth making to preserve my sanity and health. Time to start counting down to vacation. So ready for it!

<p>This song just</p> This song speaks to me.

Listening to love songs for the last few days has me missing having someone to love.  While I don't miss the common B.S. that comes along with relationships, I think living wouldn't be so overwhelming if I had someone to look forward to spending time with when I am not working. I could see myself curled up on a chaise lounge staring out at the water from a rented beach house on vacations. Sipping a cup of coffee or a green smoothie. Toes painted and free from shoes. I can see the white window sheers billowing in the salty air blowing in from open window. I can hear the birds calling to each other side. I can smell the scent of honeysuckle as it drifts through the air from the nearby garden. Sweet. Can't you hear the waves in the distance?

This needs to be my theme song!

Today wasn't so bad. No, not bad at all. I didn't feel like crying at all today. Better days ahead. I hope so.

Someone was tweeting about how visionary she is. How she can see her future and it gives her comfort to know that she is moving in the right direction. I can't remember the last time I was able to visualize my future. I used to feel it all of the time. I would make vision boards and I would journal my dreams and hopes. Many times they would come true. So I am going to put my hopes and dreams out in the universe and hope that this time next year I will be able to cross them all off. Titles I hope to hold by May 2013: Independently wealthy World Traveler Writer Homeowner Wife Fit and Healthy Debt free Friend Joyful Free Embracing these titles in whatever form they take. Ashe.

The depression has now turned inside out and I am just angry. So very angry. I need to make a major change in my life. Now!

Had my first physical therapy session out in the 'burbs. The P/T gave me me stretches for my feet and some exercises for my hips. Noticed that not only is there the foot issue, but there is weakness in my hip. That would explain why it has been painful. Bottom line is I need to start exercising again. Walking, gym, yoga, swimming, something.  He ended the session by icing my foot and doing an e-stim. The swelling went down and the pain was virtually gone. So glad I went to get a pedicure yesterday. Nothing worst than having jacked up feet at the doctor's office.  I went grocery shopping after I left and stocked up on my favorite - nuts. In particular sesame coated nuts. I am set. Was disappointed they didn't have my aloe drink in stock. Will have to wait until next week I guess. Busy week ahead. Another P/T appointment on Thursday in the city. Tired and headed to bed. Plan to get home early, do laundry and relax.

Goodness, I really needed that cry. It was so therapeutic. I needed to release all of those emotions I had holding inside. I feel better this morning, but I have been waking up to headaches. I have a physical therapist appointment after work for my foot. Looking forward to it.   Here's to a great outlook and a phenomenal week ahead.

So glad that I learned early that I am the only one I can count on in life. Nothing but the grace of God keeps me going.

Woke up this morning with a headache. Probably sinuses. I went to dinner at Cheesecake Factory and ordered Louisiana Shrimp. Fortunately I hadn't eaten all day because the calorie counts and portions are ridiculous. I ordered a piece of carrot cake to take home and I had a little for breakfast with my coffee. It really is a lot. I will probably be eating it for the next 3 days. Going out in search of pampering since it didn't happen yesterday. Then grocery shopping and cleaning. Busy next few weeks ahead. Need to get primed to handle it.

My birthday doesn't officially begin until 8ish tomorrow morning, but I am feeling so blessed to see another year of life. This year has been a challenge, but I have persevered. I am fighting to survive and I am winning! The confirmation of a clean bill of health was the added inspiration I needed to continue making positive changes. I still have to get my mammogram and GYN examination, but for now I am riding this wave of feeling blessed and healthy. Forty-three is going to be amazing. I just know it! Update: And just as quickly my mood shifted and I suddenly felt so alone and sad. I have been needing a good cleansing cry but haven't been able to do it. I am tired of holding my feelings in. I want to feel again. Numb is so overrated.

Other than oversleeping and getting to work late (then trying to play it off) I had a pretty decent day. I can't think of anything to complain about. I am psyched about going into my birthday weekend! Spa day! My doctor also gave me a clean bill of health! She recommended that I get Physical Therapy for the foot issue. I agreed that it might be helpful. She also prescribed a high dosage of Vitamin D. Now, vitamin D is one of the vitamins I had been taking daily. Turns out it wasn't nearly enough. I was taking about 1,000 IUs a day with  combination of a daily vitamin, D supplement, and Calcium with D. She prescribed 50,000 IUs in the form of a pill I take once a week. HUGE difference. She said it will help with the bone density, boost my immune system, and even help with depression. The last one caused my ears to perk up! She also recommended the following: 2 grams of fish oil a day. Now keep in mind they sell it in mgs, so I freaked out when I realized I would have to conver...

Went to an official opening of a place tonight. The place has been open for months and has even had a name change since it has opened its doors. Tonight was basically the PR opening. There was another grand opening the other night that was open to the "public." The private event was nice because it wasn't too crowded and everything was on the house. I haven't been drinking, but I did have a couple of glasses of champagne. I tasted their vegetarian and seafood options. They were pretty good, but not great. I stayed for a good two hours then walked (hobbled) across the neighborhood to catch the bus home. It was a lovely evening. Once I find the cord to this camera I used I will try to upload a few pics I took of the neighborhood. I am so snooty now that I have the fancier camera, but hey it got the job done better than my camera phone. The best part of the evening was the live jazz band. I need to go out and experience that more often. Here's to rediscovering what...

I should be at work, but I am mentality whipped. I needed to get myself together before rushing into work. I feel like I am a mess. I know I look a mess. I could totally play hooky today and disappear into the winding streets of Chinatown with my camera or drive into the mountains and commune with nature. Instead, I will be at work. Trying to maintain my sanity. A co-work was let go yesterday. She was a really nice woman who didn't know how to navigate the rough waters. The work we do is incredibly tough. Harder than it has to be. Most of my coworkers are also washed out. I am looking for a way to preserve my well-being.

This is my 1001st post on this site. This blog is about old as dirt.  When life is on the upswing I don't blog as much. Now that I am in a rut I am here all the time. I am in such a funk. I want to get under the covers and stay here indefinitely. My job is practically unbearable at this point. I am having a hard time dealing with life in general. I haven't fallen back on my usual coping mechanism, but I have recently been very tempted to get a bottle of some brown liquor. I think of the long term effects and drink juice instead. I am sad. I get these waves of sorrow that wash over me throughout the day. Spring is a time of rejuvenation and joy. What happened?

Perhaps this funk I have fallen into could partially be attributed to the fact that today is my mother's birthday. She would have been on the brink of a biggie next year.  One of those birthdays that you would make a huge deal about. I can't believe it has been so long since she left this world. I still dream about her. I will never forget the influence she had on my life. I love my mommy and miss her so.

I just finished reading this article and I am finally going to admit it. I am depressed and I have been depressed for a very long time. I have been denying that I was depressed. Even wished it away or said it's not so bad because I am still functional. The reality is that I've been holding on. But I am not happy. I deal with situations. Mostly in unhealthy ways. I have stopped drinking so maybe it is clear now that I need to do something about the underlying issues that are eating me. I realize that I may have to go into therapy before I am prescribed pills. So, I am resigned to get some of these monkeys off of my back. Clearing the cobwebs out of my closet and just being free. Free to live. I feel trapped now. Trapped in this body. Trapped in this job.  Trapped in this field. Trapped in this apartment. Trapped in this neighborhood. Trapped in this city. Trapped in this mindset of being trapped. I feel mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. Like the commercial where ...

So, just to start my Monday morning off on the right foot, I twisted my left foot on the way into work. There was a pothole in the street and as I turned to speak to someone behind me my foot went in and twisted. The last time this happened I was left with a broken foot. I didn't hear anything snap this time and I can walk on it so unless I am in shock I think it is just bruised and twisted. I immediately iced it and took a Tylenol. It is now wrapped in an ACE bandage and I am going to the doctor this afternoon to get it checked out. Thinking positive thoughts.

One of the SOC Sunday posters did a post on her Myer-Brigg personality type. It reminded me that I am an INFJ (Myers-Brigg) and Idealist/Counselor (Keirsey ) which is only 1% of the population. When you are a minority it is easy to be misunderstood by others. My life is so rare...my personality type, my blood type, my experiences in life. When I read about INFJs, everything is right on the mark. I am an INFJ and I really can't do much about it. The really interesting thing about INFJs is that so many humanitarians are of this personality type: Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Oprah, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Nelson Mandela just to name a few. Wow! I guess that explains a lot about my view of the world.

Today’s (Optional) Writing Prompt: Are you a people person? Do you feel energized or drained around people? What are some of your favorite types of encounters or tell me a story of one! I grew up as an only child. I learned to play by myself and enjoy my own company. So when it comes to being a people person, I have to really work hard at it. While I enjoy entertaining and socially at times, it really takes a lot out of me. I have always gravitated (or perhaps they have gravitated towards me) towards people who are outgoing and charismatic . The opposite of my personality. Sometimes I have taken on their characteristics and become less shy and reserved. As I have gotten older I have become less of a people person. Interestingly enough, I have always worked in fields that require "good people skills. " Good communication skills. I feel like those skills have fallen off over the years. I will work on "boning them up" as I have closed myself off from interacting i...

Finally the end of the week. I made it through and look forward to a wonderful and relaxing weekend. I haven't decided what I want to do yet. I want to shop, but I have responsibilities like cleaning, laundry and bills to pay. I want to go to the beach if it gets warm enough and let the sun caress me. Rough week. Next week will be intense, but I expect it to be easier. At least I hope it will be easier. The day ended with me overhearing someone complaining about some decisions I made with someone else. They were being really sneaky about it. Monday will be interesting.

Today I managed to get through on relatively little sleep. Despite finishing my last dose of antibiotics today, I am still congested and wheezing which makes it difficult to sleep at night. I had a phone interview today that I feel like I blew. Out of practice and trying to move into a new area of expertise. My brain just blanked on me. My friend texted me to say he is going into rehab. I am happy for him because I was concerned about his drinking habits. This is his second or third go around. The last time was a few years ago when he had DUI. He stopped for a while, but I feel like he might have not really stopped. I hope he sticks with it this time. I told him I will support him by not drinking and I will. I haven't had even a glass of wine since I've been sick and I haven't really missed it. I really don't miss the extra pounds I've lost as a result of changing my eating and drinking habits. Speaking of drinking, my aunt wanted to combination lock to put on h...

Today was rough at work. After I got off all I could think about was fresh juice so I headed to the juice bar. I then went to get a mani-pedi and I am so glad my nails are finally done. I went to my "healthy" restaurant for a fish sandwich and bean soup before heading home. Ready for bed now.