Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Today I slept in and feel a bit better emotionally. Still a bit tired physically. Maybe I need a massag but I have some errands to run and work to do around the house. I will feel a lot better if I am ready for the week but I felt so burned out last out. I listened to Cuban and Brazil music last night which lifted my spirits. Discovering the music of Dayme Arocena is one of the best things that could have happened to me. I have to get back to Cuba.

I've been listening to Cuban music all day. Wishing I was in Cuba. I have such an affinity for that island. I honestly think that I have roots there or that I lived there in another life. It was like coming home when I went. I felt so at home. So safe. There is a peace that we don't have here. Say what you will about politics and such but the culture is so rich. The love for mi gente. The comradery. I left half my heart in Cuba.

Today I took the time to just feel. I stayed in and allowed my feelings to come and go as they pleased. It came in ebbs and waves. I cried and laughed. I am a mess. But it's O.K. I am living. I just want to be loved and loved deeply. I miss that connection. But for now. I am just feeling. Montego Bay, Jamaica V.I. 2019 Interlude: I have loved beautiful men in my lifetime. Yet I have married no one. I am at the half century of my life and I have no one to love. I think about all of the beautiful men in my life who has passed through that I never allowed to fully love me.  There was one particularly beautiful man. I was not ready for him emotionally. He was incredibly beautiful inside and out. He was a personal trainer and he had a gorgeous daughter that he was raising. I had just lost my mother and brother within months of each other and I was a mess. But he was a beautiful man. I wasn't in a place to allow him into my life. He introduced me to Celia Cruz and Jose ...

Another month has passed and here I am. Yes. It is rough. The end of this year is very rough for me. I pray that as we enter our new decade of 2020 that the energy shifts into a more positive place. I will be completely transparent...I have been struggling and suffering mentally. I felt downright suicidal recently. I feel so alone. I contemplated quitting my job and everything. Tonight I had a breakdown. I had been weepy and would tear up but tonight while driving I just surrendered to God and said, I don't know what you want me to do. I am always so close to what I think God wants and then I fail or something blocks me. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone with me. I am scared. I am getting older and I can't form a relationship with anyone. Sometimes I wonder what will happen if I was to die suddenly. Lord knows I have no one to care for me if I die slowly. It is a scary thought. I literally have no one. I feel so alone in the world. It scares me. My work...