Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Sometimes you've just got to tell folks that "they've got to do better."  Today was one of those times. Girlfriend was mad, but she knew she had to step her game up. I think she is finally realizing that this is real life. I'm going to need you to do your job and I need you do it well. So I put a plan of action into place. Weekly meetings to check in on her progress, prioritizing projects for her (since she can't seem to handle it on her own), helping her plan ahead so our volunteers can help her get organized and stop hiding work!  This girl has a lot of poor work habits. I think she thought it was enough to just show up to work on time every day [insert buzzer] WRONG! If she needs to come in early or stay late to get her work done then that is what she has to do. Hell, everyone else does it. I hope that we can eventually be on the same page, because I am about ready to beat her ass! If she can't handle this job I am wondering how the hell she is goin...

Why can't people just be honest? With me and with themselves.  Every time I think my assistant is improving she does some dumb stuff that makes me want to rip my hair out. When I hired her I told her what I needed and she ensured that she could deliver. When I ask her to do something she either totally doesn't understand what I need or totally blows it off. I keep finding crap I asked her do months ago buried under piles of papers or not even started. Even when I follow up with her to see how she is doing on something she either 'forgot' or is still working on it. Mind you, this is stuff I asked her to start months prior. I wind up doing most of it myself. Some of it is slightly challenging so she can learn how to do it, but even the really simple mindless stuff is getting pushed off. That is so frustrating because I need the stuff done. What does she think, that the stuff is going to go away because I don't ask her about it every single minute of ever day? When she...

Today we had snow flurries. Not enough to stick, but it was a virtual snow globe of the wet flakes flying through the mean streets and slapping people in the face. I was in a pretty good mood today, but there are people at my job who w ant to see me broken. Bowed head and lowered eyes, Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries.  -Maya Angelou  We talk so much about bullies, but adults can be worse bullies than kids. I grew up being bullied, so I know when someone is trying to intimidate me and be condescending. It is sad, really. We are supposed to be professionals, but we are reduced to interacting with one another like children.When there is that much tension and animosity in the workplace, I know that it is time to go.  We had meetings all day and my boss took the back seat. She is checked out and I think just waiting for her next opportunity to arrive. She definitely bit off more than she could chew with this job. Bless her heart. ...

Today I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. Perhaps I am on the verge of a breakthrough. I literally felt broken this afternoon. I couldn't go back to sleep last night so I started looking into going back to school this year. I'm in the process of completing my application now. I have to go. I started crying because this community breaks my heart. I try my hardest, but I always wind up being pegged the "bad guy." I quit! When things get like this, I know that it is time for me to go. So I am going. I have to go now. There is a lead position open for applicants at my job for September. They want you to do the equivalent of another job for an extra $9K. Why not round it up to $10K? Better yet it should be $12K. No one wants the extra work. Who can blame them? You aren't appreciated for what you already do so why do more? *shrugs* An extra $9K won't bring me joy. I'm just ready to leave...now. Other people make decisions, yet I get blamed for them....

So, the reason I am feeling stuck right now is because my career path is my plan B. I was always taught to have a plan B prepared and this is it. It has served me well to basically keep my head above water (barely.) My aunt seems to think I should be grateful to not be in the same position as these folks.   While she has a point, she also needs to keep in mind that I invested EVERYTHING - money, time, relationships - into my education. I should be reaping what I sowed. Then I see other people out there who are true blue hustlers and I understand why I am where I am. My hustle factor is lacking. So 2012 is going to be the year of hustling. Hustle, hustle real hard!

Today at work reminded me why I am hustling so hard to get the hell up out of there this year! Morale stinks! My coworkers are so inappropriate and uninspired. Feels like high school with all the B.S. Moving on! Feel stuck, but I know I will be able to pull myself out of the mud and clean up.

I did something that was really selfish. And I don't feel bad about it. I'm so sick of feeling indebted to people. It is taking  toll on my soul. The thing about vacations is that they remind you what feeds your soul. I need to feed my soul. I spent the day job hunting. I need to have something lined up by April. This is my mission.

This is my season of discontent. So, this is my second day back to work and I am so unhappy. There are others also unhappy which means the overall energy is low. I hope I am so ready to move on. I hope things either get better, I learn to cope, or an opportunity presents itself that will give me an out.

The weather today was pretty dreary. Lots of tropical rain showers and humidity. I met my new assistant for coffee and she is really nice, but I still have concerns about her commitment. I get the feeling that she isn't 100% committed to returning to the work force after having her baby. I'm really hoping she can be a dependable support person. I  was able to do about two errands before heading home. I returned the panel that was too short and got another one along with a curtain rod and few additional items. While I making the return, the strangest interaction happened between the two women working the customer service counter. One of the girls kept making mistakes and the other had to go to her register to override the mistakes. So on the second mistake that I witnessed, girlfriend says she gave the customer too much money and needed to cancel the transaction. While the other woman (who mind you stopped her transaction with a customer to come over to help) was keying inform...

We are bracing for another natural disaster. Hurricane Irene is supposedly barreling toward us. Earthquakes and hurricanes...end of time or simply a change of seasons. You decide. I am up and getting ready to meet my new assistant for coffee at a cafe that I purposely chose near where she lives. I received a call a few minutes ago from her asking if we were still meeting at our designated time and if I still wanted to meet then or if I wanted to meet later. Hmm, 11:00 A.M. is kind of late and I chose that time to make sure that people like me (later risers) could still be able to make it on time. She is making me nervous. She sounded like she had just woken up. After having someone like my last assistant I am really hoping that the new one doesn't have some of my same bad characteristics. I already know that will be a disaster in the making. I need someone who is going to balance me out. I am just going to stress how important it is that she be on top of things at all times. Rece...

I am looking over the health insurance changes my job just sent. I am very, very sad. I know some people don't have health insurance (I didn't for years) and others pay a lot into their policies each month, but goodness these changes make the little 3-5% raise we got look like chicken feed. I just going to keep on praying and taking my vitamins and eating healthy and being careful. Jesus be a fence. Seriously!

Well, I finally buckled down and did the damn reference checks. My whole issue was it was on principle that I shouldn't have had that task dumped in my lap at the last minute. Now one of my coworkers is pushing to get her friend hired. I've already made my decision so there you go. Now maybe we can move on and I can have a proper vacation. I am being so productive. Usually I just sleep my vacations away but since I am changing my diet and sticking with it I seem to have more energy to function. Plus, the weather this year has been tolerable. When it gets too hot I just can't function. I still have a brand new a/c unit in the back of my car. While it has been in the 90s I've been able to manage with fans. If I get lucky I might be able to return it unopened! Next up, getting my passport together! Been researching colleges and still not finding exactly what I am looking for. Getting it down!

It may not seem like it, but I am on the grind trying to find a graduate program that will fit my schedule, is affordable, and doesn't have excessive requirements for enrollment. I said I was going to wait until 2012, but if I can do an e-learning program in the Fall I'm all for it. One of my gripes is the fact that we should be improving as professionals. However, the money for professional development is not a priority. I wasn't even aware that the whole college reimbursement program had been sacrificed, nevertheless that in the (going on) three years I have been here I haven't had any P.D. with the exception of training that is for a program they are considering tossing out the window and another that didn't even apply to me! Mind you, I am on the P.D. committee. You know I will be speaking up about his issue. This is the second summer I have tried to get P.D. and been denied. Mind you, I am trying to better myself as a profession on MY free time. So tempted to...

I've mentioned I'm on vacation, right? I've written about trying to take care of all of my work obligations before going on vacation, right? So why the hell is my boss contacting on my vacation and expecting immediate response. Yet, when she was getting ready to go on her vacation she didn't have time to deal with anything. GTFOH. Are the vestiges of the old me starting to crop up? Right is right.

Listening to Ledisi's "Going through Changes" as I type this Sunday afternoon. I'm on vacation and I swear it is the only time I ever feel like I am a real person. Going through the motions day by day wears on me. I get into these patterns and habits that are are smothering me. It's not until I stop and take a look at myself that I realize how much I tend to neglect myself for the sake of my job. It's not healthy. It's not emotionally or physically healthy. I spend my vacations regrouping only to fall back into those patterns. I'll eat better, rediscover my passions, get lots of sleep only to fall back into the same cycle. When it seems that I am able to stay the course then a wrench always get thrown into the mix. I need to start having contingency plans. Number one is restoring my health and well-being. Protecting myself emotionally from adult bullies is also high on the list. I didn't appreciate the fact that I am less than week from going on v...

Yeah! I got a raise! Still not making what I would like to make, but getting closer to it. I wish my total compensation (social security and insurance) was my salary. Getting closer to reaching my goal. **** Just did my budget and determined that I can afford to move if I reduce my student loan payments in half. I also have another year to pay my car off and my insurance rates will also drop if I don't trade in my car. I think if I hold on and maintain another year I will be in position to do bigger and better things in my life. I was hoping this year would be the year, but another year is doable. Patience is indeed a virtue.

After feeling overlooked and taken for granted for months, I felt it was time to walk away. I couldn't forsee another year of working too many hours and never feeling like what I did was good enough. Today, I get a voice mail from H.R. telling me they want to have a meeting to discuss what options are available to me specifically. Should I even bother going through the motions? I have no intention of going back. I put in my time and now I am ready to move forward.

I am in such a peaceful state today. I resigned from my job yesterday....I did it with confidence in myself and my skills and without any anxiety whatsoever. I did my job and I did it well. It helped me realize that I can longer sacrifice my happiness for others. Today, I received an email from someone I had been working with on a personal project that had been put on hold as well as another associate I've been working with on getting my pet projects off the ground. Moving forward. It feels good. It feels right. It finally feels like it is time. I am typing this with smile on my face and in my heart. I am at peace.

So things have settled in a smooth lull since the last time I typed a post. My move went smoothly and I love my new space! Little miss kitty is still getting used to it and I feel bad about the fact that as soon as she settles into this spot we will be back in NYC in our old place. I miss New York soooo much! Who knew that it had captured my heart! I knew that I would have a greater appreciation for it once I left it. Funny, you have two sets of NY ex-pats out here. First set - they love every smelly, grimy layer of the city and go back every chance they get. Second set - they can take it or leave it and really only go back because their family is still there. I think I fall somewhere in between. I spent most of the weekend shopping and watching DVDs. Since I've been gone I've fallen behind on my movie watching. So far I in love with Dreamgirls and Madagascar. I have a lot of movies to catch up on. Even though I now have cable (included in my rent, thank you very ...

I think that I can make it...the storm is over now - Kirk Franklin I didn't realize that I haven't posted a blog since last month. Time has been of the essence. In the time that has passed, things have somewhat settled down. Still no laptop. Not sure what the issue is and I even contemplated going with a different company but I want the laptop I ordered. I went to Best Buy and they are selling the same product for about twice as much. So, I took the money I would have spent on a laptop and used it as a downpayment on a used vehicle. That's right...I have wheels now. Can I say how convenient it is to just jump in my ride and go where I need to go without strategizing and planning?! I've also gone ape crazy buying music. in addition to the CDs I bought last month (MJB, Jill Scott, Emily King, Dwele, Ledisi), I've added some of the following to my collection: Raheem Devaughn Kanye West Alicia Keys Maroon 5 Common So far I am IN LOVE with Raheem (again!) and Kanye (alt...