Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I woke up this morning feeling anxious. I took a day off from work because my mind just wasn't in a place to deal with all that comes with work. I didn't want to politely make conversation about what people did for Thanksgiving considering the fact that I did nothing. I hadn't slept well the night before and I am honestly just feeling really hopeless about everything. I am thankful for my blessings - a running car, a warm place to live, my cat, food to eat, good health, etc. I realized however that I am missing a piece of me. That is why I am longing for New York. I had so many outlets. I was lonely but never alone. When I read back some of my old blog entries I remembered why I left and said I would never move back but I need an outlet for my creativity. I might start trying to write again. I feel so uninspired and like my writing skills are rusty. This morning that familiar tight feeling in my gut gripped me. I made a cup of tea (I thought coffee might make it wor...

As you know holidays are hard for me. I miss my loved ones. It seems that everyone who truly loved me has gone on. I have two people who I know care about me and neither are related by blood. My relatives talk a good game but at the end of the day I am left alone trying to sort out my life. So it doesn't help that this holiday season started off by me being a target. I guess the fact that I was already struggling financially added insult to injury. I feel like a hamster on a wheel trying to keep the wheels turning. I moved here so I could be more financially stable and I was until my former boss decided to be ugly. I have not been able to get ahead since. I have kept my current situation pretty private. I have only shared that I was robbed with about 4 or 5 people. Only one has offered to help me. This is the same person who has always been there for me and helped me move to New York, helped me (physically and financially) move back to D.C., and is again willing to step up to h...

Today. This is indeed the message that I needed to hear today. Despite having my bank account ripped off and then coming home to receive a letter informing me that I was part of a security breach that has compromised ALL of my personal information I am surprisingly calm. I would have freaked out in years past. I would felt like it was the end of the world and my life was in ruins. But I have learned to not give the devil power over my life. I am dealing with each obstacle as it arises. I am more disgusted than anything. I have a full tank of gas and food in my house. I am grateful for what I have. The way I figure it is I am blessed to have something that someone else wants. If I didn't have anything they wouldn't be able to take anything. Yeah, the world IS 'effed up. Yes, it is annoying. But the way my life is set up I can survive. If I have learned nothing else in this lifetime it is how to survive. In a few weeks this will all just be a bad memory. I trust that God ...

I rebuke thee Satan! I received an email alert on the phone this morning that my account balance was low. When I checked it I saw two large unfamiliar ATM withdrawals. I contacted the bank and sure enough I got got. Right before the holiday. I got stuck for my paper! I just went numb. I think I am so drained emotionally that I didn't feel any kind of way about it. There must be a victory on the way. There simply has to be. I feel like the movie Changing Lanes where someone is trying to destroy me. It's so sad because all I do is work and come home. I don't bother anyone and I just try to mind my own business. I try to be a good person. I'm not always a good person but I do try.

Grace I ACT WITH GRACE AND COMPASSION. Nature often demonstrates grace and compassion, particularly when an animal of one species raises a baby from another. An instinct of caring supersedes the instinct of fight or flight. I consider where I can show up as grace and compassion in the face of adversity. Faced with a situation that has caused stress in the past, I pause and remember the presence of divine grace in me. I open my heart to shifting my perspective or response, just as the parent animal shifted its experience. It may be time to speak up about a situation or it may be time to quietly walk away. Either way, I am at peace knowing I am guided by the grace of Spirit within me. The leopard shall lie down with the kid, the calf and the lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them.–Isaiah 11:6

I am struggling to survive in a world that seems to want to see me down. I thought I was in a good place then suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me. I suddenly went from being amazing and blessed to being someone who doesn't matter. And it makes it more difficult because I am alone. I miss my family. I feel isolated from everyone. I don't have a network. I used to be able to bump into someone on the streets in NY and my spirit would be renewed but not here. I like living in this area. In this complex and apartment even but it doesn't feed my spirit. I don't have the human contact that I need. The human interaction that I need so I don't implode. Which I actually did on Friday. I have been holding so much in and building so much up and it was taking a toll on me in every way. I came home and decided that I am going to quit my job. I called my godmother and spilled my heart out to her about how I was feeling. I felt that it was futile. Instead of having a ...

I finally got out of the house today. First stop was a long overdue massage. The girl massaging me seemed to hone in on every one of my pressure points. I felt more energized afterward and stopped at Target and the grocery store. I also got a full tank of gas while the gas prices are down. Hopefully it will last a while. Back to grind in a few hours. Looking forward to having Thursday and Friday off for Thanksgiving next week.

I think I am most unhappy when I am limited. When I don't allow myself to do things or I feel restricted in some way. It is in these times that I try to regain control in unhealthy ways and often push others away in a futile attempt to be in control. I know it came from feeling not in control as a child and I have had this internal struggle all of my life. At my best it serves to keep me on the straight and narrow and at my worst it pushes me into limiting thoughts, isolation and lashing out at others. I recognize this within myself but I am not entirely sure how to overcome it since it is so deeply ingrained in me. At my core I know that I struggle with trust. I have never felt safe. I am not open and this has limited me in so many ways. I really need to find and revisit The Secret .

I think I lost focus along the way. In my efforts to have an impact on the world I neglected myself. Day 14 of the Meditation experiences says: Today’s meditation is about using your personal power. However, personal power is not about changing the world around you. It is about the power to change the world  within  you. This means that as we open our awareness to our core beliefs and true self, we organize, clarify, and reconfigure our internal life so that our thoughts and actions have meaning and bring a feeling of fulfillment. The true self imbues our beliefs with the personal power that can achieve our goals with the least effort and a minimum of obstacles and confusion. CENTERING THOUGHT I am always moving toward my true self. SANSKRIT MANTRA Paramesh Wari Namah My true Self has unlimited creative power.

Centering thought: I joyful accept myself.  In today’s meditation, we look at how to heal self-judgment. Self-judgment is the compromised belief that gives rise to feelings of guilt, shame, self-criticism, and self-recrimination. Self-judgment happens when one part of our divided self judges another part of us. Instead of our self functioning as an integrated whole, it fights and resists itself. This leaves us feeling divided, depleted, and unhappy – the opposite of our core belief “I am fulfilled.” To heal this self-judgment, we can return to the wholeness of our true self. And in the midst of activity, we can also heal it by asking ourselves what we really want. In that answer, we move away from self-blame and toward the inner fulfillment we truly desire. SANSKRIT MANTRA Om Aieem Namah My true Self is inspired and wise.

As I look back over my Novembers past I see a trend. I am in rut. Every.single.fall. I am unmotivated, uninspired, and don't want to interact with anyone. If I could hibernate until spring I would. S.A.D. is real. I need to find a way to reenergize. I need to find a way to feel inspired again. I am tired of my energy and moods being up and down. I wish I could be energetic and bubbly. I wish I was the type of person who could reach deep down inside and fake it to make it. It is a beautiful sunny day out. It was yesterday as well and I don't want to leave my apartment. My apartment is clean and my clothes are washed an ready for the week ahead. I cooked chicken and chicken soup yesterday and cleaned up a bit but that was all I had the energy to do. I got up and made pancakes for breakfast. I need to go grocery shopping and I am long overdue for a pedicure, eyebrow wax, and massage. Yet, I can't find the motivation to leave. I just want to stay home. Worst case scenario I...