Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I was just telling Shawn about one of my favorite aunts. She was gorgeous, beautiful inside and out. But back in the 80s those drugs caught ahold of her. Last time we were close she locked her middle child in a room and sat in front of me and smoked crack rocks out of a brown paper bag in front of me. I had never seen crack before. It was such a turn off. She sucked that glass pipe and tried to justify it to me. I left and my respect for my aunt was not far behind. I haven't been able to get that image out of my head. She is now clean, but the image of her smoking crack rocks in front of her niece boggles my mind. By the grace of God have I come this far and not been addicted to drugs...but for His grace.

I studying geology in college one semester. I understand the earth has plates and that every few hundred of years they start to shift. And like dominoes once one shifts another is affected. Yet, with the numerous earthquakes, hurricanes, and tsunamis coming so close together I am a bit concerned. We know we haven't treated Mother Earth well. Time to take note and listen to what she is telling us.

I have a friend. I might have mentioned him on here before. He is an older white man. Used to be my boss when I lived in D.C. Really decent guy originally from Virginia. He is also gay. When he was my boss we really didn't interact much. I used to sit right outside his door and he would barely speak to me. He often did his own work and occassionally would throw something my way. Strangely when I left the job we developed this really close bond. He would invite me to his place and take me to nice restaurants. At one point I had a key to his condo and he would let me drive his car. Really generous guy. Recently I was facing some dire financial straits. Once again when my family made no offers he was there bailing me out even though he has been facing his own problems. Really stand up guy! Colorism still exists in this world folks. There have been quite a few times where I have trailed along on his coat tails. I notice the difference between they way he is treated in nice restau...

I must come from nomadic people because I have a wanderlust. I want to drive across the US and stop somewhere that feels right and put down roots. Seems like the right thing to do. Do people even do that anymore?  Seems so impractical. So irresponsible. Yet, I have a desire to do it. Random memory : I remember when I was younger -- maybe in my late teens or early 20s -- I met a guy. He was really cute and asked me on a date. Took me to a cool restaurant to eat, but I only ordered fries. I wasn't feeling the guy. We didn't have enough in common. I think he was a bit older than I was. I believe he had just moved from Chicago. He was a bit more worldly and I wasn't ready for him. We just went on that one date. I think I kind of ditched him after that. I remember I saw him a couple of years later. I was standing behind him in line at a grocery store. I think he was with his lady and I was with my man at the time. We didn't speak.

We have been studying India. We recently learned that the Taj Mahal...one of the 7 wonders of the world ... is a shrine to a lost love. The Shah lost his favorite wife -- one of many -- and built this monument in her memory. He killed many people in his venture and even fell out of favor with his own family as a result. How different is this from what goes on today?  Women sharing men. Like it is part of our culture to contine to be concubines and second, third, and fourth wives to men who have no standing. We are no better than animals that breed in this manner. I made this connection today when talking to someone who was telling me that her only son was being ostracized by his father's new "wife."  Now I've seen the man and yes he is very good looking. But his has no social standing nor the means to support all of the children that he has brought into the world through (at our count) three different women. There was a prior relationship that resulted in two to t...

Spring is on the way...I feel it!  I woke up this weekend feeling like I am coming down with something but fought it off with hot tea and vitamins. Despite not feeling well I was still able to accomplish quite a bit. My energy is coming back thanks to the vitamins. I've been down and depressed for so long. Spring is my season! I was born in spring. I thrive in spring. I can't wait for spring!!!

I think things are beginning to stabilize in my life...at least financially... I don't feel like I am hemorraging anymore. As a result, the other areas of my life seem to also be stablizing. Feeling more functional than I have in months. Interesting how certain energies emitted by others can have such a dire effect on every area of your life. Like they used to say...when it rains it pours. We'll just have to wait and see how it all works out.

Trapped somewhere between false memories and new realities here I am.

I just realized that I miss my dad. Mind you, my dad hasn't been around - well, my whole damn life! He died last year. My sister and stepmother decided to let the county cremate him. He lived by the streets and pretty much died by the streets. So it is strange that tonight I miss my father. I think part of it is that I could always blame my father. I didn't have a father. My father didn't love me. And so on, and so on, and so on. But now he is gone and I have no one to blame anymore. So, now what?

The thing about hitting rock bottom is that you have no where left to go but up!  I won't lie, this year has started out rough!  As we move from a snowy winter and move forward to a sunny spring (please let it be a true spring this year) the energy is shifting. I went from being in a bottomless pit of despair to feeling an air of hope. I am in a place of transition. The girl I used to be is moving on and the woman I am meant to be is afraid to step forward. I am existing in this place of discomfort. The process of birth and rebirth is never easy.

The company that hosts the comments on my blog is closing this month. I will have to play around with the template to figure out how to reverse the current settings so Blogger will host my comments again.

I am swaddled in a deep blue blanket of despair Winter has cloaked the world outside in an icy white sheath I try to pull myself up out of the folds of the thick blanket to catch a sliver of winter sun I am gripped in a cold fear - an irrational fear Were it not winter I would not be in this place of unrest...disease...discomfort. Who will catch me when I fall? When the bright colors of spring appear I can finally feel alive I need the renewal of spring. I need to shed this blanket of despair. I need to feel the sun warm on my face, arms, spirit. I was born in the summer. I am meant to curl up in the fetal position and wait for spring. The transition is painful. I feel vunerable. I cry out. My soul yearns for peace. I wait for my bright yellow blanket to cover me. I am a child of summer. (c) 2010 Tinker Belle's Twilight

Full Time Lover by Peter Hadar

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Wow! What an emotional weekend! There was something powerful moving through my spirit. Joy comes in the morning. How many times must I remind myself to remember my attitutude should always be one of gratitude. It is not just a catch phrase. There is power in words. Writer and poet, Maya Angelou said, "I believe that words are things. Someday we will be able to know and measure,... as mad as it sounds,... we'll be able to measure the hostility or kindness that emanates from certain words that people exhume when they say certain things. I think they stick on the walls, they go into the upholstery, they go into your clothes, and finally into your very body."

Ursula doesn't spare the words...if you have sensitive ears you will want to skip this one.