Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

The workshop I attended this weekend really made me aware of how much work there is still left to do to move our kids ahead. They have no clue whatsoever how far they are behind children with privilege. I don't care what anyone says, it takes resources to keep kids competitive. Those resources include teachers who are willing to do "whatever" to push them up the ranks. Parents who can't afford a $30K a year education are seriously at a disadvantage out of the gate.

Career: So, all of that crying and carrying on the other night was for the one no I received. Today I received a we're interested in learning more. So, I will be doing a phone interview to see if I can turn it into a yes. Car: I found out that the parking garages in my neighborhood are $200 a month. Not sure if I can or want to swing that each month. I will say that the convenience of not having to move the car, and the security of not worrying that something will happen to it might be worth the money. Peace of mind is priceless. A replacement window was $85 as opposed to the other place I called that quoted $400! They were out of their minds! Work: My assistant was out today. Despite the fact that the girl who filled in for her didn't know a lot, she was vibrant and energetic. Our day was actually stress-free! The more I work with other people the more I realize that the real issue is that my assistant and I just do not mesh well and it creates a LOT of tension. The girl ...

I was thinking of inviting my coworker who lost her baby out for tea. Probably a passing thought, but it did pass through my mind. See, we have so many paths that have crossed. She, however, made very different life choices than I made. She married and had a baby. I decided that that was not the life for me at some point. I thought about what we would talk about. I never married. Not because I am gay or don't like men, but because I came from a single parent, female headed household that dictate that 'I don't need a man.' I never had kids because I figured without a husband they would be a burden. That was the message I received growing up. I sense she is relieved that she is no longer burdened with this life. She loved her son, no doubt! But for a young, ambitious woman having kids is choice you must consider carefully. I admire her valor, courage, and strength. I know she will have more children, but as for me, I will not do as Halle Berry having another c...

What a humbling experience. I am literally heartbroken. It hit me suddenly and I cried tears of bitterness and disappointment. I question my future. I wonder when I will experience hope. I work each day to provide hope to others, yet I live my life devoid of it. It becomes more apparent how much is missing from my life. How can I piece together a life that brings me joy? I saw myself...envisioned myself living a new life. What am I going to do to feel alive again?

Our memories are tricky. As I have been going through my old transcripts I see how poorly I did in undergrad and even in my first grad program. I had convinced myself that it was only outside of my major, but I sucked even in my major classes. I see why that career path didn't pan out for me. I did much better in the field that I am now, but this isn't what I want to do with my life. I have to work for the next 20-30 years. I need to find something that feeds my soul. Now I am beginning to doubt myself. Wondering how I ever had any opportunities at all. But for the grace of God? What next?

I had a huge disappointment today. I knew for a fact that I would receive an invitation to interview with a program I had my sights set on. I think I could have dealt with the fact that had I interviewed and not been invited to join it would have been OK, but I wasn't even invited to interview? This was my out. I was ready to pack up everything and go. Now what? This week is really presenting a lot of challenges.

Man, listen! Today was something else. I was already behind schedule when I discovered that I had been violated! As I walked past my car that was parked on the street I realized that my window was partially down. I walked over to the car to roll it up and discovered that the back window had been smashed out and the other one rolled down. Yes. This is the second time in a month or two that this has happened. I have lived in this neighborhood for 10 years. I have parked this car in this neighborhood for four years. What the hell is going on?! I managed to get through my work day and went to get the window fixed. The guys at the shop claimed the boss had locked up the glass. So, I have now take time off  of work to go get the window fixed and I parked in a garage even though he taped up the window and there is STILL nothing to take out of the car. Not sure what the frickin' issue is...is it someone hates me? Is it that there are really THAT many crack heads in the neighborhood? Or, is...

I have working on closing and keeping closed the complaint department. I won't lie, it's hard! It is such a release to not bottle up all of the frustrations of the day. On the flip side, one can find yourself caught up in a vortex of negativity. I tend to strategize when I start to feel bogged down by negative thoughts. I always keep a to do list around. One for long term goals, short term goals, daily goals, etc. Lately, I have been making progress with my long term goals list. I have submitting applications to different grad school programs, and job opportunities that can provide leverage towards reaching my goals. It has been empowering and taken me from a place of feeling stuck to one where I feel like there might be hope. I am taking steps to prepare for what's next. Financially, spiritually, and now even physically. I signed up for a boot camp! And now that the weather is finally warming up that means I will be strapping on my sneakers and getting some morning w...

Each day is a blessing. Yes, we've heard it so much that it is Cliché now, but it is true when you think of it in the context of someone who has never had the use of their full facilities. Or, how about the person who was suddenly stricken with a disease that relegated them to a bedridden status. Or people in war torn countries who are constantly faced with death. So yeah, each day is indeed a blessing when you look at it that way. Today was to be the day that I walked away from something that was no longer serving me. A voice in my head kept telling me, "Life is too short to be miserable." I didn't want to punk out so I was going to do it in person. Only, the other person backed out at the last minute. This person has gone from aggressive to passive-aggressive in a strange twist of fate. I honestly believe she is suffering from a form of mental illness and is not being treated for it. In any event, I met up with the other person who was supposed to meet up with ...

I realized this year that it feels strange referring to myself as a girl. I am a woman. I may not be married or have children, but I live the lifestyle of a grown-ass woman. I think that is why it bothers me so much when people try to play games with me. For example, this woman that is my contemporary is apparently somehow intimidated by me. She  micromanages and condescends. We are two grown ass women. You don't have to speak to me as if I am stupid. I am articulate and educated so why is it that you can never seem to understand what I am saying? Why are you constantly "confused?" Why?  Because she is playing a head game with me. She wants me to think that something wrong with me. I remember those old tricks from college. Those are the games that the sorority broads would play when they were hazing girls. I didn't tolerate it then and I damn sure am not going to tolerate it now. I am learning that real women respect each other, support each other, and build one a...

I am proud of myself. I ticked off another one of my long time goals. Opening a savings account. Might not seem like much to some, but to move out of the mindset of not having enough to putting a few dollar bills aside each month should help change my relationship with money.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. These are the last few line of Desiderata . I have been continuing with my meditative practice each morning. It has helped me and once I begin re-implementing my massage sessions, exercise and/or yoga I know that I will be in a better place. Right now, I am really struggling to keep positive thoughts in my head....

I just had a beautiful meditation this morning. I could visualize myself in a happy state moving forward with my life. I didn't plant this image in my mind, it just came to me as I was breathing. I am getting so much better about keeping my mind still during meditation. It is wonderful.