Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I know a few of your have been lurking here for years. So you know that I had a sweet little fur baby who I loved very much and who has moved with me from city to city since I've had her. It is with much sadness that I must report that my sweet girl was put to sleep to on Monday. She was getting up in age and had several medical conditions that warranted putting her to sleep. Her quality of life had deteriorated and I was no longer able to care for her the way she needed to be cared for. Her vet wanted her put down a while ago but because I have my issues with grief and abandonment I wasn't ready. I think getting therapy for the short time that I did was helpful with getting me over the hump to move forward. I know it was the right thing to do and she went so peacefully that it helped me know that I made choice.  I miss my girl. I look for her because we have never been apart for long periods of time. There are people who don't understand the connection that humans have to ...

 I wrote a post a while ago about the men I have loved in my life. As I heal and grow to recognize what constitutes a healthy and unhealthy relationship I realize that I had no business being with any of them. It's not to say that someone needs to be perfect and without flaws, however I intentional sought out and attracted men with flaws. I could not recognize a healthy relationship because I never spent time with people who had healthy relationships. I could not attract a healthy man to me because he could see immediately that I was/am a hot mess and would immediately go the other way.  As time goes on I am getting better about recognizing men who have the qualities that I need, but I am still stuck in my old patterns and will continue to sabotage relationships with my shortsightedness (I think I made that word up). To be more than halfway through my life and just now recognizing how my own toxicity has played into my past relationships. I take responsibility for the damage. ...

 My heart is so heavy. I found out a few minutes ago that a colleague of mine passed away yesterday. We were not close, but we were starting to become more friendly. I actually rejected her friendship when she first approached me (remember, I am not a people person) but recently she came to me and shared some information that caused me to trust her. It was just a few weeks ago and we weren't friendly but we were amicable. I wonder if she knew when she approached me that day that her time was short. Our conversation went something like this...be careful who you share your information with. I keep to myself and mind my business but I am still cordial. She said to not let people on the job get me down and basically to stop waiting for everything to be right. To live for today. She said she had trips planned and she wasn't afraid of Covid. She had just gotten married last year (or the year before) and she seemed to be content with her life. She did not appear to be in poor health b...

 When I was little I almost drowned. Twice. Once in a lake when I was toddler and again when I was around 5 or 6 years old. It was in that same span of time that I suffered a lot of irreparable childhood trauma that I am just now coming to terms with damn near half a century later.  I digress.  Well, maybe not. I am sitting here remembering how afraid I used to be of the water. That is until a man name Francoise taught me how to swim. It was nothing but God that allowed him to gain my trust enough to teach me. I say that because I had already been violated by men at that point in my life. It's a wonder that I allowed any man to gain my trust. I had to trust him not only with my life but also that he too would not violate me. In hindsight, it is sad that a child my age had to overthink it but I was also a child and obedience more than anything was the real reason I allowed Francoise to guide me into the water, hold me gently, and eventually teach me how to move effortlessl...

 I just discovered today that in an African language my name means I AM. I love that and I am going to start using it. That's it. That's that post. 

SHE LET ME GO😕 I think my counselor fired me. I think I mentioned that I wasn't really vibing with her after our first meeting. She told me that she thought I didn't need counseling anymore. As we all know THAT is not true. 😂  It never seems to work out when I do counseling and I haven't even scratched the surface of my deeper issues yet. In any event, I am going to take a break and seek out a real counselor through my employer next. WHAT'S IN A NAME I just discovered today that my name has a different meaning than I thought it did. It is a Quranic name for girls that is derived from the flow of a river, and the waves of the sea. I think that is so fitting since I've had this contentious relationship with water my whole life. Ironically water brings me peace. You would think I was a water sign the way I am drawn to water.  FAUX FRIENDS I wonder if I will ever find a friend who will accept me for who I am, flaws and all and without judgment. I guess that is someone...

I have appreciated having time to regroup and rest. I am starting to feel like myself again, slightly. Still low motivational but able to do basic things and maintain my responsibilities. I feel healthy and strong. I had both doses of the Covid-19 vaccine despite my reservations. You know me, as an earth sign I adhere to the adage better safe than sorry.  Last night I opened up the windows while we had what seemed to be a mild tropical storm. I had nightmares. I was finally able to sleep peacefully after closing the house back up. The energy in the atmosphere is very strong. The weather has been unpredictable. Warmish in the 70s one day and then temps will drop 30 degrees overnight. Today after raining all day yesterday it is 45 degrees and overcast.  I have been wanting to get back to traveling but my spirit is telling me that there is a false sense of security being created right now. How are vaccination rates rising yet Covid cases also continue to rise. I am seeing videos ...

 I just finished my first therapy session and we talked about my anxiety, my lingering grief, and we started to touch upon my family relationships. Of course I cried. I always cry when I talk about these issues. I think the fact that I am open to this makes it easier. One thing that I have going for me is that I am relatively introspective.  I am just tired of carrying this load around and the therapist pretty much said as much. She used the analogy of peeling away the layers of the onion. Basically I am living in the past and I need to let it go because there is nothing that I can do about what has happened in my life.  I realized something about how I was dealing with the grief and I think it is going to dictate how I move forward. Mentally, I feel like I am in a different space and this coming year is going to be instrumental in changing my life for the better in all aspects. I am hopeful that I will finally recover. 

 I finally signed up for therapy. I have been racked with anxiety and I need to figure out how to work through it. I am listening to a webinar about trauma recovery right now and so many things have resonated with me. 

  I'll be back to unpack later. 

 This week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I have experienced in a very long time. My anxiety has been so high and I felt like the bottom fell out. As a matter of fact I had a recurring dream (I think I already posted about it) where I get on an elevator and it suddenly begins to drop. I remember being so at peace when Covid-19 hit almost a year ago and now I am the exact opposite. I hate feeling like this! 

 These are interesting times that we are living in right now. I started out in a great place mentally when the pandemic first hit. I was optimistic and upbeat. I was grateful for the opportunity to regroup. But all I kept hearing from others was how miserable they were and a lot of negativity  My spirit is really unsettled right now. As I mentioned previously, I have been seeing quite a few AAs moving to Mexico during this time and while Mexico has never been a favorite of mine I am really feeling like I am being prepared mentally and spiritually to leave the U.S.  This past week has rocked my world. I experienced two very unsettling events that I won't go into detail about. Just know that they jarred me to my very core.  Last night I had a dream that I was in an elevator and it dropped. Usually the elevator will stop before crashing to the bottom but this time the elevator kept going.  So, now what?

 Wow! It is February. My impressions so far are that I am unimpressed with 2021. I had high hopes for the new year but the foolishness just seems to continue.  To be honest I really don't have anything of substance to say. I just like to come on here to document my time here on earth. I like reading my old posts because it gives me perspective about my life. This space is like therapy to me. I know some of my readers know who I am in real life but at this point it doesn't matter because I am more open to exposing myself. It has become more acceptable to expose our open wounds and let them air out so they can heal.  How am I doing? I am fighting to maintain. I am in a low-grade depression right now. It is due to a number of factors including a cold and wet winter, the C.V. restrictions in my area, and work. In addition, I have taken on extra work to get myself financially in a better place but despite the fact that I am working from home the long hours on the computer have...

This might be weird and embarrassing to admit but at my ripe age I still get crushes. It's crazy to admit that. I am drawn to energy. Every man that I have chosen to be with - as in I picked him first - I have been attracted to his swagger, his vibe, his essence. The type of men I am attracted to now are very different from the guys I liked when I was younger. I have never really had a type. I just fall in love with everything good. Perhaps that is where I would get into trouble but that is a post for another day. Today I just want to acknowledge that I have spent my whole life afraid to fall in love. I have never complete lost myself in a another person. I always hold back a piece of me. But if I should ever fall in love I want him to know it every minute of every day through my words and my actions to the point that he has no doubt that I love him. You can see the chemistry between couples that are spiritually connected to each other.  That's what I want. 

 ...and it doesn't feel like it. I bought all of my presents and haven't mailed them yet. I had more to say but not really so if I don't hop back on here before Christmas I am wishing you and yours a glorious, peaceful, and joyous Christmas. 

I miss him SO very much. If you are a long time reader you might know him as my Supastar. He and I had an instant connection the first day I met him. We became fast friends and I never stopped loving him. It was never the right time or the right place. Him married. Me on the wrong coast. Us always loving on each other and snatching tender delicious kisses and QT between marriages and on quick bi-coastal trips. I was scared most of the time but what if I had thrown caution to the wind? I remembered last night how brave I used to be. Something suppressed that feeling in me and now I am scared to love. But I do love him. We stayed in touch on social media. Finally he told me he missed me and I told him it was mutual. God I love that man to his very essence. But the reality is that again it was the wrong time and place and he said one day we will meet again. I knew at that moment I had to cut him loose. I couldn't hold on this fantasy of us being together. It's been close to 20 yea...

Note: Not sure why this didn't post.  Lately I've been thinking that I am ready to reenter the dating pool. I've had a lot of time to heal and reflect on my life so I believe I am more self aware. Of course that will be tested once I actually dip my foot in the water but at least mentally that is where I am right now. I've been thinking about it a lot. I know that I have always entered into relationships half heartedly. I can't think of a single relationship where I have committed myself 100%. I've always had one foot ready to head out the door. Not sure why it took my entire life to figure this out but it did. Maybe my needs are also different. Well, my needs are probably the same but the fact that I can recognize my needs has changed. Relationships have also been in the forefront of social media with the unfortunate entanglement involving The Smiths. As Tabitha Brown would say that's their business and lord knows I have no business judging them. Howeve...

I always get emotional when I see how tender some parents are with their children and I hear how affirmative they are to them. I know my parents loved me and I offer them grace because they did the best they could. Yet I can't help but wonder how I would have turned out if I had parents who poured love into me the way some other parents do. My mom was tired and overwhelmed. She was impatient with me as were my teachers. I thought this was how adults treated children. It instilled negative behaviors in me that took years to unlearn. I am still unlearning them. I didn't know that these behaviors were as dysfunctional as they are. If I had been understood rather than beaten with belts and switches when I made simple mistakes. If I had been told that I was amazing, kind, beautiful, powerful, and all of the other affirmative words that parents pour into their children. I felt unwanted and like a fuck up for most of my life but I know that I didn't always feel that way. I look at...

Hola! I have been debating myself as to whether I should retire this blog or not. I'm never sure if it is just an online journal at this point or if I have an audience to write for as well. In any event out of curiosity I decided to see when I started this blog. It has significance for a reason that I won't delve into right now. Coincidentally it was 15 years ago almost to the day that I shut down my previous blog and started this one. Not sure if I ever shared the story of why I felt I needed to do that. It actually would make a good blog. Note to self. There is so much going on in the world right now and I want to document it. I have always been able to get raw and gritty in this space where I remain anonymous although I'm sure a number of long time readers know me personally by now. But if you are still reading then you don't judge me too harshly and I appreciate that.  Hell you even tolerate the numerous typos because you know this is my space to basically b...

I woke up and cleaned up a bit more. I'm not pushing myself so of course I didn't accomplish all I set out to do. I am not ready for vacation to end. I could take the rest of the week off but I won't. I am hoping and praying that the 2 days we have left in the week are easy. January isn't bad in that we work a couple of weeks and then we have MLK Day. Then we push through until President's Day in February. Once it is spring I usually get my spark back and can push through to the finished line. Honestly the hardest part is fall although there is a proposal to add more holidays next year. Whew!!! I didn't cook and now I am starving. I am still on a cleanse so I don't want my first meal of the year to be someone else's cooking. Debating taking a nap then finishing my chores or pushing through. The problem with napping is that I might get too comfortable and that will be that. I should have done some pampering this break. At least a massage. My shoulders a...