Where is my Francoise?

 When I was little I almost drowned. Twice. Once in a lake when I was toddler and again when I was around 5 or 6 years old. It was in that same span of time that I suffered a lot of irreparable childhood trauma that I am just now coming to terms with damn near half a century later.  I digress. 

Well, maybe not. I am sitting here remembering how afraid I used to be of the water. That is until a man name Francoise taught me how to swim. It was nothing but God that allowed him to gain my trust enough to teach me. I say that because I had already been violated by men at that point in my life. It's a wonder that I allowed any man to gain my trust. I had to trust him not only with my life but also that he too would not violate me. In hindsight, it is sad that a child my age had to overthink it but I was also a child and obedience more than anything was the real reason I allowed Francoise to guide me into the water, hold me gently, and eventually teach me how to move effortlessly through the water. I am forever grateful to Francoise for teaching me to swim. 

He came to mind as I reflected on my life. I really want to have a connection to a man but all of the men I am attracted to are unavailable. And let's be honest, I am scared! I need a Francoise to come into my life and guide me through the waters until I am comfortable enough to swim on my own. I need someone to be gentle and patient with me. I need someone to understand that when I start to pull away or run it is because I am deathly afraid. I need him to take my hand and guide me back. I need him to reassure me that he is there for me and that I don't have to be afraid because he is gently holding on to me. There are men like that out there and just because I have yet to encounter one who is like Francoise doesn't mean that I am not worthy of it. Where is my Francoise? I need him right now. I want to get in the water but I am scared.