Twenty twenty one

 Wow! It is February. My impressions so far are that I am unimpressed with 2021. I had high hopes for

the new year but the foolishness just seems to continue. 

To be honest I really don't have anything of substance to say. I just like to come on here to document my time here on earth. I like reading my old posts because it gives me perspective about my life. This space is like therapy to me. I know some of my readers know who I am in real life but at this point it doesn't matter because I am more open to exposing myself. It has become more acceptable to expose our open wounds and let them air out so they can heal. 

How am I doing? I am fighting to maintain. I am in a low-grade depression right now. It is due to a number of factors including a cold and wet winter, the C.V. restrictions in my area, and work. In addition, I have taken on extra work to get myself financially in a better place but despite the fact that I am working from home the long hours on the computer have taken a toll on me. I miss temperate weather that allowed me to go on relaxing walks in the park which maintaining social distancing. I miss exploring and experiencing new things. I have seriously contemplated becoming an ex-pat once the dust settles and I have been researching it. A lot of Black people are relocating to Mexico and while it was not my favorite vacation I think there is more to Mexico than the touristy hotspots. 

To be honest I have a relativity comfortable lifestyle and uprooting it after all the years of struggling is daunting. If there is one thing that C.V. has exposed it is how toxic our work culture is and how it is literally killing us. Last week was rough. The shear number of Zoom meetings and work that needs to be created online is taxing to my body and my mind. I actually have less time now than I did when I was going in to work and that is saying a lot. We are now in the process of moving back to working in person despite the fact that the vaccine keeps running out and the numbers are still in the red in our area. It makes me feel as if I am dispensable. I will literally be putting my life on the line by returning to work in person. Again, had I been financially smarter and not flitted around so much when I was younger I might have options but I am between a rock and a hard place right now. I say all of this to say that these are strange times we are living in. I am blessed and I try to remain in gratitude but let me tell you I was one tired human last week. 

People think that asking you to take on one more thing is not a big deal but I have learned that sometimes asking someone to do one more thing, no matter how insignificant you think it is, can be their breaking point. When someone is already extending themself and you ask for more it is overwhelming and leads to resentment. 

I have learned that the more you do the more you are expected to do. In no way am I suggesting do less than expected or to perform below you level of excellence. What I am saying is that people don't realize that you might be struggling to drag yourself out of bed each morning or to take care of your basic needs because you are investing that energy into external sources. There is a saying about the small drips are what eventually break the dam. It is true. This is what has been happening on my job this year. First we were eased back in and slowly but surely the stopgaps that were put into place to help us maintain our mental health and well-being were thrown out and we have been asked to do more and more to the point that we are actually doing more than if were working in person. When we point out that our boundaries are being violated then we are then guilted and shamed for wanting to protect our health and safety. 

I was so tired last week. I am so grateful to have today off but I have yet another busy week ahead of me and no relief in sight until March. That is is unless we go back to work in person because that will be a whole other stress factor to deal with for a number of reasons. So this is why I have really been contemplating leaving the field although I do like what I do and it provides me with a decent lifestyle. Yet when my health and well-being are being overlooked I feel disrespected. I know eventually we will move back to in person but what I am not understanding is why now when the vaccines are not well distributed and when the number of C.V. are still so high. Again, we are used as political chess pieces and it sucks to feel like your education, experience, and energy is not valued.

So, that is where I am right now. I am so grateful for the good things but side-eying all of the rest.