Strange Place

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I am in such a strange place emotionally. I should be energized and motivated to take on the challenge of the path that I have set out before me. It is so unusual for me to be in this blah place. This place of discomfort and disease. I am unsettled and no matter what I do there is this feeling on uncertainly in my gut. I guess it is the same feeling as the guy at the job fair described: a rollercoaster ride. I am up and down and anxious and relieved all at once. It is very overwhelming. I am slowly beginning to release New York. First my job, today one of the schools I applied to there, and finally it will be my apartment. Yet, I am only casually and half-heartedly looking for an apartment here. Part of the reason is because I have yet to receive my commitment. Today I should have gotten up early to go out and take care of business. That was my intention. Instead it is almost 2:00 PM and I am lounging around. I haven't been sleeping well so I am up and down. I haven't been eating well. I am just in such an uncomfortable place. I want this, yet I am not 100% putting in the work. My excuse is that all of my focus is on getting a job offer first. Yet, I know that I need this change in my life. I know that I have completely outgrown my currently life. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I suspect I am in a depression, because I would otherwise be so excited I wouldn't be able to contain myself. I don't know, maybe I am simply overwhelmed. I should be saving money, then on the flip side I spend it like I will always have it flowing. I wish I knew for certain what is happening. I am so scared. I don't think I have ever been this scared during a life change before and I don't know I am so afraid. Maybe I just don't remember this feeling. I don't like it though. Yet, I put on a brave face in front of those of question my choices. I am making the right choice for me and this time. This is what I need to do in order to move forward and get unstuck. I believe this and I have to remember it. I have do what is best for me.

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