And with stillness comes reflection
I have been recovering. As I have been waiting, researching, and preparing I have spent a lot of time alone. It is finally cooling off a bit, though it is still too hot for my liking. During my alone time I have been reflecting. Missing those who are no longer here. Remember past hurts. Trying to connect the pain to the feelings of being hurt and disrespected this year. Trying to figure out why I allowed it to go on for so long.
I have also begun to allow discouraging thoughts to creep in as well. It is too quiet. I haven't heard from neither the university or prospective employers. I feel stuck. I am beginning to wonder if I will have to stay after all, though I can't fathom having yet another year like the past two. Trying to remain resilient about keeping my standards high and not settling for plan b.
Trying to figure out what is out of alignment. Needing to get my life in order.
Today I took a day off from my constant search for information. I am really not willing to be desperate enough to plan for a plan b or c. I need for this to work out as I had it originally planned. I need to meet my standards so I never have to slum again. I think people think that because I sacrifice in certain areas that I don't love and respect myself. This is not true. I just don't want to be selfish and choose to make personal sacrifices so others can have opportunities as well. But this isn't respected. We are too materialistic. It is looks good on the outside, it must be good is our mindset. This couldn't be further from the truth. From people to food, this could not be further from the truth.
So, now I must determine how to balance the two. How to still give of myself freely without over extending myself. Without being a martyr. Without being a damn doormat.
I spent the day blog reading, article reading, and reflecting. Thinking about how much I have changed...and not for the better. I thought I was making myself a better/nicer person, but I was fine the way I was. I was on my way up in the world. Now I seem to have hit a pothole and blown a tire.
And this, my friends, is why I feel like my life needs a total reboot. A total life makeover is in order. So, I will do the work to make it happen, begrudgedly, but it will get done.
I have also begun to allow discouraging thoughts to creep in as well. It is too quiet. I haven't heard from neither the university or prospective employers. I feel stuck. I am beginning to wonder if I will have to stay after all, though I can't fathom having yet another year like the past two. Trying to remain resilient about keeping my standards high and not settling for plan b.
Trying to figure out what is out of alignment. Needing to get my life in order.
Today I took a day off from my constant search for information. I am really not willing to be desperate enough to plan for a plan b or c. I need for this to work out as I had it originally planned. I need to meet my standards so I never have to slum again. I think people think that because I sacrifice in certain areas that I don't love and respect myself. This is not true. I just don't want to be selfish and choose to make personal sacrifices so others can have opportunities as well. But this isn't respected. We are too materialistic. It is looks good on the outside, it must be good is our mindset. This couldn't be further from the truth. From people to food, this could not be further from the truth.
So, now I must determine how to balance the two. How to still give of myself freely without over extending myself. Without being a martyr. Without being a damn doormat.
I spent the day blog reading, article reading, and reflecting. Thinking about how much I have changed...and not for the better. I thought I was making myself a better/nicer person, but I was fine the way I was. I was on my way up in the world. Now I seem to have hit a pothole and blown a tire.
And this, my friends, is why I feel like my life needs a total reboot. A total life makeover is in order. So, I will do the work to make it happen, begrudgedly, but it will get done.
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