Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

SHE LET ME GO😕 I think my counselor fired me. I think I mentioned that I wasn't really vibing with her after our first meeting. She told me that she thought I didn't need counseling anymore. As we all know THAT is not true. 😂  It never seems to work out when I do counseling and I haven't even scratched the surface of my deeper issues yet. In any event, I am going to take a break and seek out a real counselor through my employer next. WHAT'S IN A NAME I just discovered today that my name has a different meaning than I thought it did. It is a Quranic name for girls that is derived from the flow of a river, and the waves of the sea. I think that is so fitting since I've had this contentious relationship with water my whole life. Ironically water brings me peace. You would think I was a water sign the way I am drawn to water.  FAUX FRIENDS I wonder if I will ever find a friend who will accept me for who I am, flaws and all and without judgment. I guess that is someone...

I have appreciated having time to regroup and rest. I am starting to feel like myself again, slightly. Still low motivational but able to do basic things and maintain my responsibilities. I feel healthy and strong. I had both doses of the Covid-19 vaccine despite my reservations. You know me, as an earth sign I adhere to the adage better safe than sorry.  Last night I opened up the windows while we had what seemed to be a mild tropical storm. I had nightmares. I was finally able to sleep peacefully after closing the house back up. The energy in the atmosphere is very strong. The weather has been unpredictable. Warmish in the 70s one day and then temps will drop 30 degrees overnight. Today after raining all day yesterday it is 45 degrees and overcast.  I have been wanting to get back to traveling but my spirit is telling me that there is a false sense of security being created right now. How are vaccination rates rising yet Covid cases also continue to rise. I am seeing videos ...

 I just finished my first therapy session and we talked about my anxiety, my lingering grief, and we started to touch upon my family relationships. Of course I cried. I always cry when I talk about these issues. I think the fact that I am open to this makes it easier. One thing that I have going for me is that I am relatively introspective.  I am just tired of carrying this load around and the therapist pretty much said as much. She used the analogy of peeling away the layers of the onion. Basically I am living in the past and I need to let it go because there is nothing that I can do about what has happened in my life.  I realized something about how I was dealing with the grief and I think it is going to dictate how I move forward. Mentally, I feel like I am in a different space and this coming year is going to be instrumental in changing my life for the better in all aspects. I am hopeful that I will finally recover. 

 I finally signed up for therapy. I have been racked with anxiety and I need to figure out how to work through it. I am listening to a webinar about trauma recovery right now and so many things have resonated with me. 

  I'll be back to unpack later. 

 This week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I have experienced in a very long time. My anxiety has been so high and I felt like the bottom fell out. As a matter of fact I had a recurring dream (I think I already posted about it) where I get on an elevator and it suddenly begins to drop. I remember being so at peace when Covid-19 hit almost a year ago and now I am the exact opposite. I hate feeling like this! 

 These are interesting times that we are living in right now. I started out in a great place mentally when the pandemic first hit. I was optimistic and upbeat. I was grateful for the opportunity to regroup. But all I kept hearing from others was how miserable they were and a lot of negativity  My spirit is really unsettled right now. As I mentioned previously, I have been seeing quite a few AAs moving to Mexico during this time and while Mexico has never been a favorite of mine I am really feeling like I am being prepared mentally and spiritually to leave the U.S.  This past week has rocked my world. I experienced two very unsettling events that I won't go into detail about. Just know that they jarred me to my very core.  Last night I had a dream that I was in an elevator and it dropped. Usually the elevator will stop before crashing to the bottom but this time the elevator kept going.  So, now what?