Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

My grandmother passed. I don't know what to do. I don't really want to go home for the funeral. I hadn't planned on it. I've lost touch with my family and I will have to face thoughts and memories that I don't know I can manage. I am so conflicted.

In lighter news, I don't watch reality TV but through social media I know some of the "characters" and "players." We live in a judgmental world and I think I have become more judgmental over the years. Maybe through age or because of place. But, what I can't get with is this wife and husband swapping happening amongst the "Hollywood elite." I am seeing these celebs with children all around the same age looking pretty much like every variation of the common parent. Case in point, Sean Combs and his brood. Then there is Swizz Beats who has revealed that he has a whole slew of kids that all look just like him beyond Alicia's and the girl who Alicia Keys supposedly "stole" him from. Again, all around the same age with different mothers. But I was really disappointed that little Rudy Huxtable, is marrying the ex of RHOA's Lisa Wu who had previously been married to Keith Sweat. And there are others! Russell Simmons ex-wife Kimora Le...

I'm over it all. I am so sad today and it is because everything that is happening in the world is compounding. I swear, God is trying His hardest to get the attention of the pod people who are running around chasing imaginary characters on their phone. We have people leaving this earth in droves. It hits close to home too because the city and neighborhood where a lot of the tension is erupting is where my family is from. My grandmother is gravely ill. I am out of touch with just about everyone. My weight is completely out of control. The people I do interact with are shady as hell. You know how people love to say that "fat people" aren't happy or you can't be happy if you are fat. All lies. The reason fat people  are unhappy is because other people try to make them unhappy. This coworker invited me out and proceeded to make at least two digs about me. It makes me question who can be trusted. Which is why I am content to be alone most of the time. If I didn...

I am in a meh mood so I will just bullet point my thoughts and feelings. Over it all.  Hoping for the best but strangely I might actually feel a sense of relief should the worst happen. Tired of this roller coaster ride.  Unmotivated.  Nothing left to give. 

Another sunny but cool spring morning. I can function with my coffee and a bit of sun. I woke up earlier than I thought. I have a lot to do today since I didn't do anything yesterday. I weighed in and saw I had gained back a couple of pounds so I need to get back to exercising and eating better. Yesterday, I actually was productive. I went through my finances and set my financial goals for the rest of this year and next year. The goal this year is to pay off all credit. The goal next year is to use the money that was going toward interest to invest in retirement savings. I am hoping, wishing, and praying that I get my pay increase, and I will also have the money from the assignment over the summer. I just paid everything down to 50% and next check I will pay off my smaller bills (God willing.) That should bring me closer to 40% (I hope) and my credit score should continue to rise. I'm also working to get something old taken off of my credit report which is impacting my scor...

I just realized what I have been missing in my career. A mentor! I have sought out mentors since 2009 and I have been sorely disappointed. I find that women especially are not willing to mentor other women and that is sad. Of course, I have always been closer to men than to women so perhaps that was an overly generalized statement on my part. Yet, finding a mentor is exactly what I need at this point in my career to push me over the top and into the next stage.

I am planning to take a trip for my birthday. I already requested the day off and started mentally making plans. My issue is that I have trouble committing to anything and everything. So, instead of my locking in my reservations and arrangements ahead of time I did what I do best...I procrastinated. So it looks like I will take the bus up from work and catch the bus back. Not my favorite mode of transportation but it is cheap and relatively convenient. Not sure what that weekend is so packed with travelers considering it isn't a holiday. Even when I looked ahead of time for reservations they were about the same so whatever. Anyhow, just to provide extra insurance that I will actually go I made my reservations and will leave from work. I made a hair appointment on my birthday and I am still planning out the other activities. Just going somewhere will be an accomplishment though. It has rained here for more than two weeks straight and I was slowly dying. All I wanted to do was sl...