Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

 I just finished my first therapy session and we talked about my anxiety, my lingering grief, and we started to touch upon my family relationships. Of course I cried. I always cry when I talk about these issues. I think the fact that I am open to this makes it easier. One thing that I have going for me is that I am relatively introspective.  I am just tired of carrying this load around and the therapist pretty much said as much. She used the analogy of peeling away the layers of the onion. Basically I am living in the past and I need to let it go because there is nothing that I can do about what has happened in my life.  I realized something about how I was dealing with the grief and I think it is going to dictate how I move forward. Mentally, I feel like I am in a different space and this coming year is going to be instrumental in changing my life for the better in all aspects. I am hopeful that I will finally recover. 

 I finally signed up for therapy. I have been racked with anxiety and I need to figure out how to work through it. I am listening to a webinar about trauma recovery right now and so many things have resonated with me. 

  I'll be back to unpack later. 

 This week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I have experienced in a very long time. My anxiety has been so high and I felt like the bottom fell out. As a matter of fact I had a recurring dream (I think I already posted about it) where I get on an elevator and it suddenly begins to drop. I remember being so at peace when Covid-19 hit almost a year ago and now I am the exact opposite. I hate feeling like this! 

 These are interesting times that we are living in right now. I started out in a great place mentally when the pandemic first hit. I was optimistic and upbeat. I was grateful for the opportunity to regroup. But all I kept hearing from others was how miserable they were and a lot of negativity  My spirit is really unsettled right now. As I mentioned previously, I have been seeing quite a few AAs moving to Mexico during this time and while Mexico has never been a favorite of mine I am really feeling like I am being prepared mentally and spiritually to leave the U.S.  This past week has rocked my world. I experienced two very unsettling events that I won't go into detail about. Just know that they jarred me to my very core.  Last night I had a dream that I was in an elevator and it dropped. Usually the elevator will stop before crashing to the bottom but this time the elevator kept going.  So, now what?

 Wow! It is February. My impressions so far are that I am unimpressed with 2021. I had high hopes for the new year but the foolishness just seems to continue.  To be honest I really don't have anything of substance to say. I just like to come on here to document my time here on earth. I like reading my old posts because it gives me perspective about my life. This space is like therapy to me. I know some of my readers know who I am in real life but at this point it doesn't matter because I am more open to exposing myself. It has become more acceptable to expose our open wounds and let them air out so they can heal.  How am I doing? I am fighting to maintain. I am in a low-grade depression right now. It is due to a number of factors including a cold and wet winter, the C.V. restrictions in my area, and work. In addition, I have taken on extra work to get myself financially in a better place but despite the fact that I am working from home the long hours on the computer have...

This might be weird and embarrassing to admit but at my ripe age I still get crushes. It's crazy to admit that. I am drawn to energy. Every man that I have chosen to be with - as in I picked him first - I have been attracted to his swagger, his vibe, his essence. The type of men I am attracted to now are very different from the guys I liked when I was younger. I have never really had a type. I just fall in love with everything good. Perhaps that is where I would get into trouble but that is a post for another day. Today I just want to acknowledge that I have spent my whole life afraid to fall in love. I have never complete lost myself in a another person. I always hold back a piece of me. But if I should ever fall in love I want him to know it every minute of every day through my words and my actions to the point that he has no doubt that I love him. You can see the chemistry between couples that are spiritually connected to each other.  That's what I want.