Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

This might be weird and embarrassing to admit but at my ripe age I still get crushes. It's crazy to admit that. I am drawn to energy. Every man that I have chosen to be with - as in I picked him first - I have been attracted to his swagger, his vibe, his essence. The type of men I am attracted to now are very different from the guys I liked when I was younger. I have never really had a type. I just fall in love with everything good. Perhaps that is where I would get into trouble but that is a post for another day. Today I just want to acknowledge that I have spent my whole life afraid to fall in love. I have never complete lost myself in a another person. I always hold back a piece of me. But if I should ever fall in love I want him to know it every minute of every day through my words and my actions to the point that he has no doubt that I love him. You can see the chemistry between couples that are spiritually connected to each other.  That's what I want. 

 ...and it doesn't feel like it. I bought all of my presents and haven't mailed them yet. I had more to say but not really so if I don't hop back on here before Christmas I am wishing you and yours a glorious, peaceful, and joyous Christmas. 

I miss him SO very much. If you are a long time reader you might know him as my Supastar. He and I had an instant connection the first day I met him. We became fast friends and I never stopped loving him. It was never the right time or the right place. Him married. Me on the wrong coast. Us always loving on each other and snatching tender delicious kisses and QT between marriages and on quick bi-coastal trips. I was scared most of the time but what if I had thrown caution to the wind? I remembered last night how brave I used to be. Something suppressed that feeling in me and now I am scared to love. But I do love him. We stayed in touch on social media. Finally he told me he missed me and I told him it was mutual. God I love that man to his very essence. But the reality is that again it was the wrong time and place and he said one day we will meet again. I knew at that moment I had to cut him loose. I couldn't hold on this fantasy of us being together. It's been close to 20 yea...

Note: Not sure why this didn't post.  Lately I've been thinking that I am ready to reenter the dating pool. I've had a lot of time to heal and reflect on my life so I believe I am more self aware. Of course that will be tested once I actually dip my foot in the water but at least mentally that is where I am right now. I've been thinking about it a lot. I know that I have always entered into relationships half heartedly. I can't think of a single relationship where I have committed myself 100%. I've always had one foot ready to head out the door. Not sure why it took my entire life to figure this out but it did. Maybe my needs are also different. Well, my needs are probably the same but the fact that I can recognize my needs has changed. Relationships have also been in the forefront of social media with the unfortunate entanglement involving The Smiths. As Tabitha Brown would say that's their business and lord knows I have no business judging them. Howeve...

I always get emotional when I see how tender some parents are with their children and I hear how affirmative they are to them. I know my parents loved me and I offer them grace because they did the best they could. Yet I can't help but wonder how I would have turned out if I had parents who poured love into me the way some other parents do. My mom was tired and overwhelmed. She was impatient with me as were my teachers. I thought this was how adults treated children. It instilled negative behaviors in me that took years to unlearn. I am still unlearning them. I didn't know that these behaviors were as dysfunctional as they are. If I had been understood rather than beaten with belts and switches when I made simple mistakes. If I had been told that I was amazing, kind, beautiful, powerful, and all of the other affirmative words that parents pour into their children. I felt unwanted and like a fuck up for most of my life but I know that I didn't always feel that way. I look at...

Hola! I have been debating myself as to whether I should retire this blog or not. I'm never sure if it is just an online journal at this point or if I have an audience to write for as well. In any event out of curiosity I decided to see when I started this blog. It has significance for a reason that I won't delve into right now. Coincidentally it was 15 years ago almost to the day that I shut down my previous blog and started this one. Not sure if I ever shared the story of why I felt I needed to do that. It actually would make a good blog. Note to self. There is so much going on in the world right now and I want to document it. I have always been able to get raw and gritty in this space where I remain anonymous although I'm sure a number of long time readers know me personally by now. But if you are still reading then you don't judge me too harshly and I appreciate that.  Hell you even tolerate the numerous typos because you know this is my space to basically b...

I woke up and cleaned up a bit more. I'm not pushing myself so of course I didn't accomplish all I set out to do. I am not ready for vacation to end. I could take the rest of the week off but I won't. I am hoping and praying that the 2 days we have left in the week are easy. January isn't bad in that we work a couple of weeks and then we have MLK Day. Then we push through until President's Day in February. Once it is spring I usually get my spark back and can push through to the finished line. Honestly the hardest part is fall although there is a proposal to add more holidays next year. Whew!!! I didn't cook and now I am starving. I am still on a cleanse so I don't want my first meal of the year to be someone else's cooking. Debating taking a nap then finishing my chores or pushing through. The problem with napping is that I might get too comfortable and that will be that. I should have done some pampering this break. At least a massage. My shoulders a...