Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Beautiful and peaceful Jamaica My goal this year is to protect my peace. I am in a very different mind space and do not wish to be pulled into a vortex of negativity. I woke up this morning realizing that I let a lot of important things go because I did not have the mental capacity to deal with them. My mental state was so compromised it impacted me physically. It has been years since I have lived. No, I mean really lived. I knew I was in a bad place but I didn't realize how deep in I was. It is as if a veil has been lifted and I am exposed to sunlight after being imprisoned. I want to stay in the light. This most recent depression was different from the other deep depressions I experienced which is why I thought I was just functionally depressed and not severely depressed. But I wasn't functioning. I was barely functioning. I think as black people we take our mental health for granted. It was only by the grace of God that I was lifted up out of that situation that was...

I am a little over a month away from being a half century old. I honestly don't feel like it. This year has been one of renewal. I feel like I have come back to life and I could easily live another full, rich 50 years if things continue to go as they have been. Perhaps living in misery for so long has given me a new appreciation for life. I still have bad days but nothing like they used to be. My mental health and well being is so much better than it used to be. My finances are so much better. My relationships are better. Negativity kills.

This weekend I did what, in my mind, is a lot. While I slept in Saturday, I did head out to run errands. I have been doing more and more each weekend. I have been back on track with taking care of myself and I realized (no, really realized) how much I have been neglecting my self-care routine. Even in New York at my brokest I would maintain my self-care routine. I would have regular manicure and pedicures, eyebrow waxes or threading appointments, and even hair appointments. When I first moved to this area I maintained that but as I started to slip into depression during the last couple of years I let everything go. Yesterday I went to the mall for a massage, eyebrow threading, and brunch at The Cheesecake Factory. Because I am adjusting my diet I hadn't had pancakes in ages. They were so delicious and the portion was just right. I also bought hair products from Kiehl's and an eyeshadow palette from Urban Outfitters. I can't wait to play in it since I threw out a lot of m...

It took me all of these years to finally seemingly "get my life together." My life is orderly and comfortable. Perhaps it is living in Maryland in particular that causes me to get my &%$@ together. My apartment is clean. I just need to deep clean a couple of areas but my rooms are clean and orderly otherwise. It smells so good in here! I bought some decor items from Walmart and Big Lot other week to add some more homey touches. My wardrobe is a dream come true. I love getting dressed now because I have so many cute clothes that fit my style and my body. So today I focused on getting my car cleaned. I couldn't stand to look at it anymore. It was covered in grime, salt, and bird poo. The inside was equally as filthy. I stopped at the first car wash I saw and got the most expensive cleaning. I realized that I needed a tip so I walked over the 7-Eleven to get money out of the ATM and when I came back they had found an old ATM from another account that must have fallen...

I was sitting here thinking about why I prefer to spend time alone or in an intimate setting with loved one. It came to me suddenly that I have spent the majority of my life in defense mode. I was always being criticized and teased until it must have been coded into my brain that being around others is unsafe. When I am alone I don't have to worry about someone hurting me. I can relax and let down my guard. I don't think I realized it until now. Is it growth or self-awareness? I don't know but I'm tired of always being guarded and wish I could be free.

This past week has been rough. My periods have returned and they are pretty heavy. Along with the period comes the emotional rollercoaster of PMS. This week has been the only week that I have wanted to drink alcohol. Well, I have been able to curb the desire prior to this week but today my mind is all over the place and I just want to fall back into bad habits. I don't know how long it has been since I had a drink and I am unraveling. I'm going to go fix a glass of diet Sprite and see if that helps. Maybe I just need to hydrate. I didn't do anything at all yesterday and today so now I have to scramble tomorrow. I just have to push through.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOe9zR0alO0 Definitely relatable.