Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I was sitting here thinking about why I prefer to spend time alone or in an intimate setting with loved one. It came to me suddenly that I have spent the majority of my life in defense mode. I was always being criticized and teased until it must have been coded into my brain that being around others is unsafe. When I am alone I don't have to worry about someone hurting me. I can relax and let down my guard. I don't think I realized it until now. Is it growth or self-awareness? I don't know but I'm tired of always being guarded and wish I could be free.

This past week has been rough. My periods have returned and they are pretty heavy. Along with the period comes the emotional rollercoaster of PMS. This week has been the only week that I have wanted to drink alcohol. Well, I have been able to curb the desire prior to this week but today my mind is all over the place and I just want to fall back into bad habits. I don't know how long it has been since I had a drink and I am unraveling. I'm going to go fix a glass of diet Sprite and see if that helps. Maybe I just need to hydrate. I didn't do anything at all yesterday and today so now I have to scramble tomorrow. I just have to push through.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOe9zR0alO0 Definitely relatable.

First post of the new year! I thought I was going to leave this journal behind since 2018 was such a challenging year for me I am so excited about the changes that I am experiencing that I had to share them. If you recall I had a bit of wake up call regarding how serious my declining health situation was. I had started "letting myself go" and the more stressful my life became the less I took care of my health. I am now in a pretty dire situation but I am hopeful I can turn things around now that I am in a healthier environment, a better state of mind, and ready to make the changes that are necessary to essentially save my own life. You probably thought I was exaggerating when I said that my last job was killing me. NO, it was literally killing me. I starting making changes and my responded positively, but it also sent me signals LOUD and clear that this is serious and I need to do more. My first change has been my diet. I have removed most processed sugars and some pr...

Center City Philadelphia (Winter 2017) Well friends, here we are. At the end of yet another year. You know what that means...time for a reflection post. I posed these questions last year but since I have don't have any engagement on this blog 👀the questions just sat there collecting dust. So, I will pose the same questions and answer them myself. What were the highlights of 2018?  As you may know I had several extreme low moments balanced by extreme highs this year. My highlight was definitely going to Cuba. That has been on bucket list for most of my adult life. I can't wait to get back to that beautiful island.  What am I most grateful for during 2018? I am most grateful for leaving the job that made me extremely miserable and was sucking the life out of me. I am so blessed to now be in a new job where I feel like I have a fresh start and where I don't have a giant target on my back.  I am also extremely grateful for the financial blessings that ...

I meant to post earlier, I really did. But you know how life is. Eh. Anyway, here I am and nothing really new to report. Still taking life day by day. Standing in God's favor. Trying to live a good life. Remaining in gratitude. Still a bitch at times. Feisty as hell. Bougie, stuck up, and indifferent. Meh. I live it how I get it. I get it how I live it. I had a nice relaxing Christmas. I was on the fence about whether I was going someplace this year but I am content staying home and nesting. I have been doing my winter deep clean. Fortunately not too much since I have been back on track with making sure I do a little something each week. Today I got up early, took a shower, cleaned up, and chilled for the rest of the day. Yesterday (or was it the day before?) I spent the whole day doing laundry. My space is finally starting to look and feel like it should. I still have some projects that I have to tackle as well as some work related tasks. Nothing too pressing though. I'm in ...

I woke up feeling rested but lazy as hell. It's as if my body realizes that it is Saturday even though I have been off work since Wednesday of last week. I've woken up productive on each day but today. Today I am straight up lazy. I need to focus on cleaning and planning out my week. I want to clean then decorate for the holidays. I am so happy to be in a functional frame of mind. I haven't experienced this in a while. I do the best I can. I guess I really didn't realize that my depression is as severe as it is...perspective, right?  And it's not to say that I am not still depressed...just not as deeply depressed I guess. I try to remain functional because I have no other choice. God knows if I had the option I would be curled up under a blanket sleeping the day away otherwise. But I have a cat to feed and bills to pay so here I am. I wonder if depression gets harder to manage as you get older. I know that hiding it gets harder. I do the best that I can. I lov...