Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I saw something that said I wonder how much of what weights me down is not mine to carry.  This really stuck with me and I began to drop some of the baggage that I've been carrying around. It has taken a toll on my body, mind, and spirit. The past few weeks have allowed me to delve deep to try to figure out what's really going on with me. I had to release a lot of excess baggage that I have been carrying around resulting in a constant tight neck and shoulders. It is as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, literally. I finally found a massage place that has worked out the kinks and I am about 96% where I want to be. While I was getting a massage today so much came to the surface which tells me that I am getting closer to where I want to be. I did a lot of self-forgiveness and reconnecting. I have challenged myself to be and stay connected to things that ground me: Reading books, planning ahead, scented candles, exercising my body, eating green and clean, and...

It took the passing of my grandmother to spark an interest in finding out the history of my father's side of the family. I will be requesting his death certificate and if I can his birth certificate to learn more about his father I had no idea that my grandmother was born in Louisiana. So, essentially both sides of my family are from Louisiana. I am considering taking a genealogy trip to gather records in 2017 - perhaps next summer. I would love to the tell the story loosely based on actual events. The small town where my grandmother was born was a railroad town and the railroad ran from Kansas City to Port Arthur, Texas where they settled. So, it wouldn't surprise me at all to learn that part of my father's side of the family is also settled in the Kansas City area. I always wondered about blacks who settled in the mid-west. Many of them look like they could be "kin" and have some of the same traditions. Knowing what I do about the railroad line it makes sens...

My grandmother passed. I don't know what to do. I don't really want to go home for the funeral. I hadn't planned on it. I've lost touch with my family and I will have to face thoughts and memories that I don't know I can manage. I am so conflicted.

In lighter news, I don't watch reality TV but through social media I know some of the "characters" and "players." We live in a judgmental world and I think I have become more judgmental over the years. Maybe through age or because of place. But, what I can't get with is this wife and husband swapping happening amongst the "Hollywood elite." I am seeing these celebs with children all around the same age looking pretty much like every variation of the common parent. Case in point, Sean Combs and his brood. Then there is Swizz Beats who has revealed that he has a whole slew of kids that all look just like him beyond Alicia's and the girl who Alicia Keys supposedly "stole" him from. Again, all around the same age with different mothers. But I was really disappointed that little Rudy Huxtable, is marrying the ex of RHOA's Lisa Wu who had previously been married to Keith Sweat. And there are others! Russell Simmons ex-wife Kimora Le...

I'm over it all. I am so sad today and it is because everything that is happening in the world is compounding. I swear, God is trying His hardest to get the attention of the pod people who are running around chasing imaginary characters on their phone. We have people leaving this earth in droves. It hits close to home too because the city and neighborhood where a lot of the tension is erupting is where my family is from. My grandmother is gravely ill. I am out of touch with just about everyone. My weight is completely out of control. The people I do interact with are shady as hell. You know how people love to say that "fat people" aren't happy or you can't be happy if you are fat. All lies. The reason fat people  are unhappy is because other people try to make them unhappy. This coworker invited me out and proceeded to make at least two digs about me. It makes me question who can be trusted. Which is why I am content to be alone most of the time. If I didn...

I am in a meh mood so I will just bullet point my thoughts and feelings. Over it all.  Hoping for the best but strangely I might actually feel a sense of relief should the worst happen. Tired of this roller coaster ride.  Unmotivated.  Nothing left to give. 

Another sunny but cool spring morning. I can function with my coffee and a bit of sun. I woke up earlier than I thought. I have a lot to do today since I didn't do anything yesterday. I weighed in and saw I had gained back a couple of pounds so I need to get back to exercising and eating better. Yesterday, I actually was productive. I went through my finances and set my financial goals for the rest of this year and next year. The goal this year is to pay off all credit. The goal next year is to use the money that was going toward interest to invest in retirement savings. I am hoping, wishing, and praying that I get my pay increase, and I will also have the money from the assignment over the summer. I just paid everything down to 50% and next check I will pay off my smaller bills (God willing.) That should bring me closer to 40% (I hope) and my credit score should continue to rise. I'm also working to get something old taken off of my credit report which is impacting my scor...