Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Freeman is heavy on my mind today. He brought me so much happiness and comfort. I miss you, baby. Thanks for the laughs, sweet kisses, and good memories.

I have been sick. I think I am so used to being sick that I didn't really give it much thought. I took Monday off work and went to the doctor. I decided to take today off as well. Even if I feel better the next day I like to give myself a buffer of a one day to make sure I don't overdo it. So I did feel better this morning after taking my first round of the Z-pack. I got up, showered and started cleaning up. I had let the housekeeping go because I wasn't feeling well. The building staff was supposed to come in to do maintenance work. I wondered how that was going to work considering the elevators were out of service most of the day. But just in case I got up and started cleaning after my shower. It literally took me all morning to clean. I didn't even do a deep clean. More of a spot clean. But the apartment looks and smells so much better than it did. I didn't do everything but I did enough to make it presentable. Maybe I can do the deep clean this weekend. Anyw...

I was reading some old posts to see if every October is as challenging as this one has been. You see, I am sick on top of everything else I have been dealing with. I have an upper respiratory infection. It seems to be an annual occurrence now. So I went to get my Z-pack, Albuterol, and note for note. Anyway, as I was reading my old posts I realized how different I was back then. I kind of miss that girl. Part of what made me go to the doctor today was the fact that I was drowning in my thoughts. I felt like I was done with life. Like I just wanted to stop trying. I had the same feeling the year Katrina struck and I quit my job. I want(ed) to walk away. I want to give up on life. While at the doctor today the NP pressed down on my stomach and asked if I was pregnant. Nope. Fibroid. She asked if I'd done anything about it and I lied and said yes. Yet I haven't. Honestly I haven't because I have been waiting for the right time. That time is when I am not alone. I know the ...

I am unmotivated. This time of year sucks the life out of me. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Someone suggested it is seasonal depression and one of those SAD lamps might help. I think I just need to crawl into a cozy cave until spring returns. I think it gets worse each year unless I just don't remember it each year. I don't know if it is severe enough to take medication. It seems the dosages are never right for the people I know who take medication for depression or the medication has side effects that wind up being worst the initial depression. I don't know how to make myself feel better. Nothing motivates me any more. I feel like I am not good at anything. Everything I have tried has been lackluster. I do OK for a while and then it just peters out. I am trying to motivate myself to go get a massage thinking that might help stimulate something. I just want to feel like I matter and that I won't end up like this guy: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/...

My weekend was a wash. It had been raining for days and my mind and body shut down and refused to function. I pretty much came home from work on Friday and that was all she wrote. I needed to get work done this weekend but my mind just wasn't focused enough to do it. So when Monday rolled around I decided to take a day off. I need to have these days to regroup sometimes.  I managed to get more done before noon than I have all week. I paid rent, mailed a form to my student loan lender, washed my clothes and bedding, cleaned the cat box, cleaned the oven (it is self-cleaning) flipped my mattress, followed up on getting licensed out of state, and handled a few random items. All before noon. Not to mention I am showered and dressed! Go me! I need to do some reading for work, plan out the rest of my week, and go through papers to find my referral for dental work. I will need to get extractions of my remaining wisdom teeth and a root canal on a tooth that a stupid dentist in New York t...

I am finally starting to feel like myself after that thrust into negativity land. I have had a challenging week (really the past couple of weeks) and it has forced me to think about where this energy could be coming from. As I have mentioned before I am an empath and very intuitive. My intuition has told me that there is someone (or more than one person) working against me which is why I am having to work harder than I should. When I thought it about and started to piece things together it was clear who these people are and why they feel the need to set me up for failure. I tell you if you listen the universe will tell you everything that you need to know. As I said, I am pretty intuitive and my intuition is always right. Some people think I am paranoid or concoct conspiracy theories about events but as we saw with my last work environment everything that is suspected was accurate. People asked me how I knew and it was because of my intuition. It tells me what I need to know so...