What happened to the woman I used to know?

I was reading some old posts to see if every October is as challenging as this one has been. You see, I am sick on top of everything else I have been dealing with. I have an upper respiratory infection. It seems to be an annual occurrence now. So I went to get my Z-pack, Albuterol, and note for note.

Anyway, as I was reading my old posts I realized how different I was back then. I kind of miss that girl. Part of what made me go to the doctor today was the fact that I was drowning in my thoughts. I felt like I was done with life. Like I just wanted to stop trying. I had the same feeling the year Katrina struck and I quit my job. I want(ed) to walk away. I want to give up on life.

While at the doctor today the NP pressed down on my stomach and asked if I was pregnant. Nope. Fibroid. She asked if I'd done anything about it and I lied and said yes. Yet I haven't. Honestly I haven't because I have been waiting for the right time. That time is when I am not alone. I know the fibroid is large. I know it will be a major surgery and I don't want to do it alone. No one has been in my life who will be there for me while I go though this situation. So I leave it alone and hope it will go away. The thought crossed my mind that should I have to go on the operation table to deal with the fibroid I would let go. I would go into the white light and not come back. There is nothing to keep me here. I would just float up and away.

There was a time when I had dreams. When I would proclaim something and it would come true. But now....my life is just living.