Moving, Monsoons, and Memories
It is raining again. It has rained constantly over the past few weeks with breaks here and there but they have been heavy cleansing rains. I am in a good place mentally. A fresh start was just what I needed to regroup. Everything that has happened this year needed to happen in order for me to survive.
I have a new apartment that is ideal for me in so many ways. I have a new job that I am not going to allow to consume me. I am connecting with people in a way that I haven't in a very long time. I am in a good place.
I am still unpacking and purging. Why do I have so much crap? I still have so much stuff to get rid of. My goal is to be very intentional about every area of my life. My relationships, my diet, my spending habits, my spiritual journey.
I am still learning how to navigate the world. I was damaged at a very young age and I am still triggered by certain situations. I found out that one of my cousins that molested me died in February and my aunt didn't tell anyone until recently. Both sides of my family are extremely dysfunctional. Is there any question as to why I am so fucked up? This is the cousin that when I saw him about 4 years ago my blood ran cold and I started shaking. There is another cousin that molested me as well and I have no idea where he is now. I was also molested by one of my mother's boyfriends and an older neighbor. That is why it surprises me that I learned how to swim from a man. Not only did he have to build my trust with getting in the water, but even allowing him to touch me. As I've said before, trust is something I don't do well. I'm alone because I've never allowed anyone fully into my world. I keep them at arms length. I also have not wanted to bring a child into this world because of fear.
I've hidden for so many years. Hidden behind my weight, my career, my emotions - or lack thereof. Starting fresh but don't want to and can't afford to make the same mistakes. I just can't.
I have a new apartment that is ideal for me in so many ways. I have a new job that I am not going to allow to consume me. I am connecting with people in a way that I haven't in a very long time. I am in a good place.
I am still unpacking and purging. Why do I have so much crap? I still have so much stuff to get rid of. My goal is to be very intentional about every area of my life. My relationships, my diet, my spending habits, my spiritual journey.
I am still learning how to navigate the world. I was damaged at a very young age and I am still triggered by certain situations. I found out that one of my cousins that molested me died in February and my aunt didn't tell anyone until recently. Both sides of my family are extremely dysfunctional. Is there any question as to why I am so fucked up? This is the cousin that when I saw him about 4 years ago my blood ran cold and I started shaking. There is another cousin that molested me as well and I have no idea where he is now. I was also molested by one of my mother's boyfriends and an older neighbor. That is why it surprises me that I learned how to swim from a man. Not only did he have to build my trust with getting in the water, but even allowing him to touch me. As I've said before, trust is something I don't do well. I'm alone because I've never allowed anyone fully into my world. I keep them at arms length. I also have not wanted to bring a child into this world because of fear.
I've hidden for so many years. Hidden behind my weight, my career, my emotions - or lack thereof. Starting fresh but don't want to and can't afford to make the same mistakes. I just can't.
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