Trust Issues

I have lost touch with myself to the point that I can't even trust my own feelings anymore. I think I shared (but I might not have) that while I like my new apartment I have some feelings that are cropping up. One of them is that my neighbors are very different from where I live now and that I can hear the upstairs neighbor stomping around. There are also some other things that I overlooked because I neglected to do them. So I had to tell myself that anything that is not up to my expectations is my fault because I honestly did not put the work into finding a place that was ideal. I am functional but I am unmotivated. Things that I would typically do before renting a place just didn't happen. Also, because it took me so long to decide on a place I really have no right to complain. So, I have convinced myself that I can live there for a year in preparation for leaving this area which I am not connected to.

I also started feeling weird about living in the suburbs after living in the city for so long. But I said I didn't want to live in the city anymore. The problem is that I am so far away from everything and when I realized where I was I kicked myself for choosing a place so far out. So, when I start to get that nervous twinge I tell myself that I will remain in gratitude and state a mantra thanking God for blessing me. Because everything worked out in my favor I am trusting that God must have placed me there for a reason. I decided to reframe my thinking about the neighbors and frame it as it is signs of life. I also thought about living in Cuba and how everyone is connected...your home is open. So as long as it doesn't impact my quality of life I will just accept it. I also had to remind myself that I am in a different income bracket now and so I am back to living a different lifestyle. I am grateful for the relatively quiet life that I've had over the past 5 years. It's a change and my life is constantly in flux. I think it is just that as I get older I do want more stability.

Today I started to feel sick which is strange because don't get summer colds. I'm probably just run down. I like writing down what I have to do because I can see that I am not just lollygagging but actually accomplishing things. Yesterday I really pushed myself though which is why I think I am feeling under the weather. Plus, this weather is so weird for July. It is 66 degrees and raining right now.

I am debating if I want to drive to the new place today when I haven't done anything today pack this one up. I want to bless my new space and hopefully it will calm the feelings I am having. I also need to eat. Been holding off on buying groceries because of the move but once I go to the new apartment and clean it I will stock up on groceries. I've also decided that I am going to just go about and start throwing stuff in boxes and sort it out later. I have enough closet space in the new apartment to store stuff. I'm still purging the stuff that is obviously trash but I just don't have it in me right now to weed through everything with a fine tooth comb like I planned. I think I will also begin to take stuff over to the new place. Either stuff I don't trust the movers to bring or stuff that will make it more comfortable for me as I get it prepared for the move. I realized that I am going to have to buy so many new things because mine are just trash. New rugs, a new comforter. Bathroom sets, etc. There is so much left to do and I am dragging my ass. I made a list and will aim to cross off 2-3 items each day. Also because I have some extra days built in whatever the movers don't take I can take over myself. I really just hired them for the bigger furniture.

I haven't eaten so let me go find some food then head to my new spot. I feel better after showering and cleaning myself up.