I am not a garbage truck

Something happened on Friday that triggered feelings that had been buried deep inside of me. I instantly recognized it for what it was but I am still grappling with the effects of it. My coworker got angry at me and lashed out at me about something that was ultimately the result of her own choices. As a result, it made me feel like a "bad person." It rippled throughout my entire body like prickly thorns and a hot wave of embarrassment and shame washed over me. I hadn't felt that way in years so I asked myself where it was coming from. What had she unearthed. Why was I feeling bad for a choice that she made? I realized that I felt that way a lot growing up. I was always at the receiving end of someone's emotional outburst. It started with my mother who would come home and dump her shit on me. As I got older the boys I dated must have realized that I was an emotional dumping ground so they started dumping on me as well. I recognize it because I became a dumper at one point and I had to look myself in the  mirror and call it what it was.

I've mentioned before that I am an empath. I realized through soul searching that I would absorb that negative energy that was being fed into my through emotional dumping and in turn either internalize it resulting in depression or externalize it resulting in lashing out at others. It is an awareness that I have about myself so I try to stay grounded and neutral. I recognized immediately that I was absorbing and internalizing my coworker's story about me - that I was a "bad person."

It triggered me because I grew up feeling like I was a "bad person." I had been labeled a "problem" all of my life. It seems that no matter how upstanding, helpful, or cheerful I try to be I always become someone's emotional dumping ground. I think navigating it is difficult because I would just shut down at home when my mom dumped on me. I became non-confrontational and I would just take it all in, hold it in until I couldn't anymore, and finally explode (or sometimes implode).

I'm tired of being the "bad guy." I'm also tired of carrying other people's shit and so this time I have decided that I will not accept her garbage. She has taken advantage of me for the past year and half and I have allowed it go on unchecked. I have held space for her as she has tried to figure her life out but I will not hold her shit for her. Perhaps it was time for a knock upside the head and some tough love to get her motivated to make positive changes in her life.

I find that my role seems to be to help guide people who are having trouble navigating and finding direction. It is similar to how it was with my other assistants. It was a painful process but in the long run they found their direction. Perhaps that is my role. But it hurts me too because my intention is not to hurt others.

Yet, I have to find a way to keep myself from being a garbage truck. It is taking an emotional toll on me.