When Panic Attacks

I haven't had panic attacks in a while. I am starting to feel like I did a few years ago. Breaking into a sweat, shallow breathing, dizziness, sense of doom. I am waking up with that feeling like there is rock in the pit of my stomach. I am going through a spirit shift and I think it has to do with the fact that I am not being true to myself in an effort to make up for what was perceived to be lost or to prove myself. I realized that I am looking for approval. As someone who has either same competitively, performed, produced, etc. the fact that I do my job every day without a "win" is killing my spirit. I keep doing more to seek out that win to no avail. It seems the more I try to earn a win, the more loses I accumulate.

So, I have decided to step back. To acknowledge that I am trying to take on too much and it is probably something that I am not even truly passionate about anyway and admit my lose. Let me go back a bit, I currently have 3 jobs. Two part time and one full time. Of course my focus is on my full time job, but one of my part jobs is requiring as much time and energy as my full time job and I have to walk away from it. My other part time job is manageable. All three together are just overwhelming. I am walking away from a nice chunk of money, but I think my mental health and well-being have a higher price than trying to keep all of the balls in the air.

I understand that I am allowing fear to control me. I felt the same sense of fear last year when I took on my second job, but this third job is much more demanding and need to preserve my energy.  Last year (or was it earlier this year) when I  started to feel overwhelmed I just needed to step back. I am going to take the same approach. I might disappoint others but I have to take care of me because if I fall out somewhere there will be no one to take care of me.

Typically when I start to feel this way, it precedes a major life change. I usually take it as a sign that my life is shifting and I am heading in a different direction. Growth (spiritual and professional) is just around the corner. I have been doing the work to guide my life. A need is not being met. I need to make a shift, a change. I need validation that I am important and that I have something amazing to offer.

I felt confident when I was doing things that fed my spirit. When I would take a break from the rat race and spend time working in theater or writing my blog. I don't have those creative outlets anymore. I felt valued. I felt at peace. I want to feel that way again. What is next? I know a door will open and I will experience the exhilaration of a "win" again. In the meantime, I just need to keep these panic attacks in check.