Reflections: Mean
I used to be so mean when I was a child. I know now that it was in response to the way I was treated. Many of my teachers early in my education made it clear that I was their least favorite student and I was treated accordingly. As a result the children treated me poorly as well. So in order to protect myself I became the mean girl. I would try to hurt people before they could hurt me. This played out most vividly when I was a pre-teen and we had a new leader in my volunteer program. We were playing one of those stupid ice-breaker games (I still hate them!) and I said something stupid. It was intentionally mean but by her having a fragile ego she took it personally and decided that she was going to put me out of the program. My mom and my mom's friend had to get involved and convince her that I really wasn't a bad kid. I was more misguided than anything. I was dubbed the "bad" kid. I got left at school for field trips, kicked off the school bus, and sent out into the hall. As I got older I was sent to the principal's office where I was paddled. One principal had the nerve to call the paddle "Mr. Smiley." No joke.
My childhood has amazing memories, but I was often very sad. I had attachment and abandonment issues. I once ran away from the babysitter when my mom was away on a trip. She also was mean to me. Some people said I was spoiled but I wasn't. I got whipping regularly. Leather belts and extension cords were the weapons of choice. I would cry for my daddy who left when I was a baby. I would ball my little body into the fetal position and cry until I feel asleep. I cried a lot when I was younger. So much so that I was called a cry baby. I would tell my teachers that I was being teased in school and they would just dismiss my complaints. I was chased home from school every day by bullies. I would get bullied when I would go to the neighborhood park because some of the same kids would be there. Even as a pre-teen I was once lured into a school year and surrounded by a group of feral children that lived in a crack house down the street. They proceeded to attack me with a lead pipe. I managed to escape. These same children would pelt rocks at me whenever I would walk across the street.
I have so many other stories that happened when we lived overseas. I really did have a difficult childhood. On top of everything else I was given a complex about everything about myself. My skin color, my teeth, my size. I grew up thinking that everything about me was wrong including my feelings. So I try to remember to have some compassion when those old feelings crop up. I try to remember that I am still trying to heal that hurt little girl inside of me. I try to recognize when responses are coming from that place of past pain. I am learning to recognize my triggers.
All of these experiences combined are why I can't maintain a healthy relationship. I struggle with communicating my feelings because I was always told that my feelings were wrong. I was told that my thoughts were wrong. I learned that I was wrong. Period. I think I've mentioned before that I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up because I was always told that it was wrong. I fight negativity tooth and nail, but in hindsight I realize that I was entrenched in it my whole life. I was told that people didn't like. I was called names. I was made to feel like I was a burden. I never felt whole until I came to terms with my past.
I just needed to get this off of my chest. I need to understand my triggers.
My childhood has amazing memories, but I was often very sad. I had attachment and abandonment issues. I once ran away from the babysitter when my mom was away on a trip. She also was mean to me. Some people said I was spoiled but I wasn't. I got whipping regularly. Leather belts and extension cords were the weapons of choice. I would cry for my daddy who left when I was a baby. I would ball my little body into the fetal position and cry until I feel asleep. I cried a lot when I was younger. So much so that I was called a cry baby. I would tell my teachers that I was being teased in school and they would just dismiss my complaints. I was chased home from school every day by bullies. I would get bullied when I would go to the neighborhood park because some of the same kids would be there. Even as a pre-teen I was once lured into a school year and surrounded by a group of feral children that lived in a crack house down the street. They proceeded to attack me with a lead pipe. I managed to escape. These same children would pelt rocks at me whenever I would walk across the street.
I have so many other stories that happened when we lived overseas. I really did have a difficult childhood. On top of everything else I was given a complex about everything about myself. My skin color, my teeth, my size. I grew up thinking that everything about me was wrong including my feelings. So I try to remember to have some compassion when those old feelings crop up. I try to remember that I am still trying to heal that hurt little girl inside of me. I try to recognize when responses are coming from that place of past pain. I am learning to recognize my triggers.
All of these experiences combined are why I can't maintain a healthy relationship. I struggle with communicating my feelings because I was always told that my feelings were wrong. I was told that my thoughts were wrong. I learned that I was wrong. Period. I think I've mentioned before that I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up because I was always told that it was wrong. I fight negativity tooth and nail, but in hindsight I realize that I was entrenched in it my whole life. I was told that people didn't like. I was called names. I was made to feel like I was a burden. I never felt whole until I came to terms with my past.
I just needed to get this off of my chest. I need to understand my triggers.
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