Thirty years of nostalgia

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Forever young. That is how I feel. My life stagnated when I was 25. That was when my mother died. I am like the daughter Edie in Grey Gardens. Trapped in my mindset of being young and free. My high school graduating class celebrated 30 years. Everyone is sharing pictures of us in the prime of our youth. I reminisce about the cute boys who I used to flirt with and wonder where they are now. Some are dead, for various reasons. Some are locked up. Those who "made it" are just basic and ordinary. They work regular blue collar and white collar jobs. Some are grandfathers. Some have multiple wives and a string of children scattered across the state.

I wonder what would have happened if I had just stayed home rather than decided to move across the country to purse my dreams. Would I have settled down with one of them? Had an ordinary life of working to pay a mortgage and raising kids?

I don't regret my choice. I wanted the life I created. I never wanted the other life. But, what if. Would I have felt trapped? They were good guys. I went to school with good, solid people. Our parents were strivers and wanted us to do better than them.

For the most part, our parents owned their homes and owned cars. They worked stable 9-5 jobs. I think I just never wanted that so I made a life for myself. I wish that I had wanted that for myself. I just never attracted the guys who wanted to make a life. Or I didn't want to settle for the life that they would have to offer. It was more that than anything.

I look back at those boys. Coming into their manhood. Us girls, coming into our womanhood. We are all fine for the most part. Some better than others of course but we all made a way.

Yet, I wonder....

What if I hadn't let Freeman leave as easily as I did? Would we have made a life together? I think about him often. He was truly one of the loves of my life. But, was a meant to only love one man for the rest of my life? I don't know what my life was meant to be. So, here I am ... closer to the 5th decade of my life than the 4th. Alone. Tired. Wondering. Remembering. Longing.

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