When your efforts aren't recognized and resented
I don't know what it is about me that make people want to keep me downtrodden. I came out the gates strong going above and beyond what is required on my job. I am trying my best to move beyond my current status to a place where I am not in a constant state of uneasiness. To be perfectly honest, I want predictable, boring, easy position at this point in my life. I am getting older and the B.S. is wearing on me. I am not on the same level as these 20-somethings who feel like they need to "establish" themselves but know what the hell they are doing! I have years of experience in my field and have proven time and time again that I know how to do my job, yet I am constantly being questioned, challenged, reprimanded, and trained to do things that I know don't work. How do I know they don't work? Well, because it is the same ole' B.S. that has been repurposed and repackaged from when I first stated. I have tried countless theories and programs and I know what works for me. Yet, I am constantly being told NOT to do what I KNOW works and then blamed when I comply and the &%$# doesn't work and then they decide to scrap the whole thing because...well...it didn't work! I am tired of going through the cycle of insanity. I just want to do my job and I want to do it well. I am tired of being frustrated. I am tired of feeling like a hamster on a wheel trying to please every Tom, Dick, and Harry who comes along. We can't even keep the same people at the top, but you want to tell me what to do? Let.me.do.my.job!
I have spent the entire day in my prayer journal trying to sort out my feelings and find encouragement. I am back to where I don't look forward to going to work. I want to walk away. I can see myself just disappearing on day. I am tired of fighting and I can't "play the game." I just can't. There is too much at stake for me to "play the game." My spirit doesn't allow me to do it. I have to speak up when I see injustice. I am just tired of being overlooked. I am tired of being mistrusted when I am feel as if I am doing what I do for the good of others. Yet, because of what I am going through I AM asking God to propel me out of this situation because it is an uncomfortable feeling and I feel like everyone is against me. I don't do it for the recognition, but my God when you are really going above and beyond (I really have been putting my best foot forward) then it becomes painfully obvious when you are being intentionally overlooked.
So we have a new "boss" and while I have tried to do my best to help get him up to speed there are people who are working against me. I was aware of how little he cared about me as a human being the other week when someone slammed into my car right in front of my job while he was walking down the street. He basically witnessed the whole thing but opted to go in the building without even asking if everything was OK. He never acknowledged the fact that I had been in the accident.
On Friday I decided to take my car into the shop because I felt unsafe driving it. It was getting worse and I was afraid that I would have another accident if I kept driving it in that condition. Apparently other people did not go in on Friday so now he wants to clamp down on people being out on Fridays. That's fine but had I been in a serious accident as a result of driving an unsafe care he would have been looking for a new employee. Because he is new to his job he lacks perspective. And basic human kindness and compassion. I feel like you have to have the ability to connect to people on a basic human level in order to get them to do their best work for you. I see so much of my old "boss" who I escaped and who tried to destroy my career in him. Lack of compassion was her downfall and it will probably be his as well. I am already planning my escape.
I have really been leaning on God to help keep me encouraged. I am working on developing my character so that I can hide my true feelings but it is hard. I have always worn my feelings on my sleeve (and my face.) I was called "sensitive" when I was growing up and I cried at the drop of a hat. I learned to master the poker face, but it doesn't hide how much a storm brews inside of me. I start to get stomach trouble and other physical ailments. I am struggling right now to fight off depression.
God knows my heart. I just pray that I can overcome my internal feelings and reach deep down inside of me for the strength to get through this challenging period of my life.
I have spent the entire day in my prayer journal trying to sort out my feelings and find encouragement. I am back to where I don't look forward to going to work. I want to walk away. I can see myself just disappearing on day. I am tired of fighting and I can't "play the game." I just can't. There is too much at stake for me to "play the game." My spirit doesn't allow me to do it. I have to speak up when I see injustice. I am just tired of being overlooked. I am tired of being mistrusted when I am feel as if I am doing what I do for the good of others. Yet, because of what I am going through I AM asking God to propel me out of this situation because it is an uncomfortable feeling and I feel like everyone is against me. I don't do it for the recognition, but my God when you are really going above and beyond (I really have been putting my best foot forward) then it becomes painfully obvious when you are being intentionally overlooked.
So we have a new "boss" and while I have tried to do my best to help get him up to speed there are people who are working against me. I was aware of how little he cared about me as a human being the other week when someone slammed into my car right in front of my job while he was walking down the street. He basically witnessed the whole thing but opted to go in the building without even asking if everything was OK. He never acknowledged the fact that I had been in the accident.
On Friday I decided to take my car into the shop because I felt unsafe driving it. It was getting worse and I was afraid that I would have another accident if I kept driving it in that condition. Apparently other people did not go in on Friday so now he wants to clamp down on people being out on Fridays. That's fine but had I been in a serious accident as a result of driving an unsafe care he would have been looking for a new employee. Because he is new to his job he lacks perspective. And basic human kindness and compassion. I feel like you have to have the ability to connect to people on a basic human level in order to get them to do their best work for you. I see so much of my old "boss" who I escaped and who tried to destroy my career in him. Lack of compassion was her downfall and it will probably be his as well. I am already planning my escape.
I have really been leaning on God to help keep me encouraged. I am working on developing my character so that I can hide my true feelings but it is hard. I have always worn my feelings on my sleeve (and my face.) I was called "sensitive" when I was growing up and I cried at the drop of a hat. I learned to master the poker face, but it doesn't hide how much a storm brews inside of me. I start to get stomach trouble and other physical ailments. I am struggling right now to fight off depression.
God knows my heart. I just pray that I can overcome my internal feelings and reach deep down inside of me for the strength to get through this challenging period of my life.
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