Checked out
With all the talk about mental illness and dis-ease I found myself needing to take a mental health day. Granted I just came off vacation earlier this month and we had MLK Day off, but this week I have been having an internal battle to follow through. I have deadlines at work, I've put my personal projects aside, and I have tax and legal issues I am sorting through. I've tried to stay positive and upbeat, but it is wearing on me as everything is coming to a head.
My job requires a lot of interpersonal skills and I just couldn't muster them up this morning. It wasn't because of the weather or any other external factors so to speak. It was just not in me today. I took the morning off and starting cleaning my house.
This can also be a metaphor for our lives. How can I take care of others when my own house is not in order?
As the dust and the dirt and the layers dissolved, so did the mental weight that I was carrying around.
My internal weight affects my external weight. My mental state affects the state of my affairs. I felt guilty for taking time to address my needs, but if I don't who will? The world will not fall apart because I took a few hours to get my house in order (in the physical, mental, and spirtitual sense.)
I've fought depression since I was about 11 years old. A victim of repeated abuse I fight to stay alive daily. There are times in my life when I am in spiritual alignment with all that is good and right in the world and don't have to try so hard to survive, but now is not one of those times. Not that my life is horrible. I have a decent job, a suitable place to live, and an extended family that hasn't completely given up on me.
I have strong spiritual beliefs and I lean on them to carry me through the rough times. My spirit told me this morning that I need to take a step back and take care of myself today. Yes, it looks bad that I am not taking care of my responsibilities outside of the home, but what good is it to have your outside life looking better than your 'true' life? The life where you have to live with yourself. I have to come home and sit in my own mess every night after a hard day out in world. It is draining. I remember an analogy used by the pastor's wife at a Christian school I attended as a child. She used the example of a pitcher. You can wash and polish and shine the outside of pitcher until it is sparkly and shiny. But what if you don't clean the inside of the pitcher? What happens? It gets coated with mold and other fungus. Can you use it if only the outside is clean? Of course not! It no longer serves its purpose. Now, let's think about the opposite. Can you drink from a clean pitcher that is battered and dirty on the outside, but clean and pure inside? Of course. God is so good!
I haven't been writing, I haven't been feeding my spirit. I have been slipping back into the dark place that I dread which tells me it is time to renew and restore my faith. God is so good!
There have been times where I haven't listened to my spirit and I am paying the price of mistakes today. There have been all kinds of compounded repercussions for the choices that I have made in my life. Many I continue to pay for now - in many senses.
I can't do it all, but I try to do the best I can. I can start by taking care of my needs and stop comparing myself and my journey to that of others. I can draw inspiration from them, but their journey is just that - their journey. My journey is filled with peaks and valleys. Right now I am in a valley clawing my way back up the mountainside. I can't make it if I don't stop and rest every now and then. I can't make it if I don't regroup, reflect, and re-energerize.
I pray that never slip back into the dark despair of depression. I pray that I overcome the obstacles set before me with grace and grit. I pray that I can make wise choices that will advance me from being a human being to a spiritual being. The human experience is paved with difficult circumstance. The spiritual experience is about fully trusting that "HE" who created us will guide our paths. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).
I trust that I will be guided to do what is right for me, even if it is not seen as such by the world. Remember when Jesus would slip away and go someplace to find solitude? We must also find a place of peace in order to regroup and connect with God. The day to day, week to week, month to month routines that we have leave us depleted. I need a spiritual refreshment: "Holy Spirit, fall fresh on me!"
My job requires a lot of interpersonal skills and I just couldn't muster them up this morning. It wasn't because of the weather or any other external factors so to speak. It was just not in me today. I took the morning off and starting cleaning my house.
This can also be a metaphor for our lives. How can I take care of others when my own house is not in order?
As the dust and the dirt and the layers dissolved, so did the mental weight that I was carrying around.
My internal weight affects my external weight. My mental state affects the state of my affairs. I felt guilty for taking time to address my needs, but if I don't who will? The world will not fall apart because I took a few hours to get my house in order (in the physical, mental, and spirtitual sense.)
I've fought depression since I was about 11 years old. A victim of repeated abuse I fight to stay alive daily. There are times in my life when I am in spiritual alignment with all that is good and right in the world and don't have to try so hard to survive, but now is not one of those times. Not that my life is horrible. I have a decent job, a suitable place to live, and an extended family that hasn't completely given up on me.
I have strong spiritual beliefs and I lean on them to carry me through the rough times. My spirit told me this morning that I need to take a step back and take care of myself today. Yes, it looks bad that I am not taking care of my responsibilities outside of the home, but what good is it to have your outside life looking better than your 'true' life? The life where you have to live with yourself. I have to come home and sit in my own mess every night after a hard day out in world. It is draining. I remember an analogy used by the pastor's wife at a Christian school I attended as a child. She used the example of a pitcher. You can wash and polish and shine the outside of pitcher until it is sparkly and shiny. But what if you don't clean the inside of the pitcher? What happens? It gets coated with mold and other fungus. Can you use it if only the outside is clean? Of course not! It no longer serves its purpose. Now, let's think about the opposite. Can you drink from a clean pitcher that is battered and dirty on the outside, but clean and pure inside? Of course. God is so good!
I haven't been writing, I haven't been feeding my spirit. I have been slipping back into the dark place that I dread which tells me it is time to renew and restore my faith. God is so good!
There have been times where I haven't listened to my spirit and I am paying the price of mistakes today. There have been all kinds of compounded repercussions for the choices that I have made in my life. Many I continue to pay for now - in many senses.
I can't do it all, but I try to do the best I can. I can start by taking care of my needs and stop comparing myself and my journey to that of others. I can draw inspiration from them, but their journey is just that - their journey. My journey is filled with peaks and valleys. Right now I am in a valley clawing my way back up the mountainside. I can't make it if I don't stop and rest every now and then. I can't make it if I don't regroup, reflect, and re-energerize.
I pray that never slip back into the dark despair of depression. I pray that I overcome the obstacles set before me with grace and grit. I pray that I can make wise choices that will advance me from being a human being to a spiritual being. The human experience is paved with difficult circumstance. The spiritual experience is about fully trusting that "HE" who created us will guide our paths. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).
I trust that I will be guided to do what is right for me, even if it is not seen as such by the world. Remember when Jesus would slip away and go someplace to find solitude? We must also find a place of peace in order to regroup and connect with God. The day to day, week to week, month to month routines that we have leave us depleted. I need a spiritual refreshment: "Holy Spirit, fall fresh on me!"
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