Pumping the Brakes

On the verge of exhaustion I had to take a few days to pull myself together. I have been filling every minute of every day with ongoing projects. Although I could feel myself burning out, I kept accepting offers. I haven't been motivated for such a long time. I had become complacent. I had pretty much hung up my overachievers hat and was willing to sit back and accept fate as it was handed to me. So, being inspired and focused is an interesting turn of events. Something about the crisp fall air and pending winter months of being closed up inside that causes me to want to get as much done as possible before that long winter sleep descends upon me.

I think of home often these days. Walks along the shore, the smell of eucalyptus and pine trees. Evergreens, vivid blues and rich browns that line the vista. Images that look as if an artist composed them as a landscape on canvas. The land where the mountains meet the ocean. The smell of salt air and the sound of waves crashing into rocky cliffs. Staring into the vastness of God's creation has the ability to instantly clear your mind and puts your life in perspective. Amazing gift that I took for granted.

Knowing that 3K miles across the landscape there is a whole other life that I have left behind. Turned my back on even. These thoughts come into my mind as I sit in my rent stabilized tenement building. I exist in an unfriendly concrete jungle that is planted with stone and steel highrises and sprinkled with patches of green that don't even come close to the majesty of graceful redwood trees that stretch into the heavens and restless oceans that seem to extend to the ends of earth.

A nature girl at heart who enjoys long hikes in the woods and the smell of fresh earth. The sound of leaves crunching underfoot and the gentle kiss of the sun on her skin. This lack of union leaves a gaping hole in my soul and there is a constant longing for the things that I find familiar. Space. The ability to breathe freely. Freshness.

On the flip side, I find myself surrounded by fascinating people who are doing incredible things. I am vibing off their energy which is something I know is only possible in a place like New York. A city that is electric with energy-- a positive and negative charge that creates sparks that simply can't be contained. A city where walking down the street can be hazardous, giving new meaning to the 1980s hit "Electric Avenue."

So I find myself like LeToya Luckett,"Torn". I am trusting that I will be guided to my proper place in the appropriate time. I try to enjoy the sights and sounds while bumping through the turbulence. And when it feels like I am losing control and about to slide into a tail spin, I pump the brakes and hope for the best.