The Ex-Factor
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
This time last year I had reached the end of a relationship that was not working -- at all. It seemed as if no matter how hard I tried I couldn't satisfy this man. I did all the things I thought I was supposed to do to make him happy but it always just fell flat. Sometimes he would turn the tables and make it seem like what I thought were loving gestures were the opposite. As if I wasn't sincere in my efforts to please him because of his past hurts. Something about our chemistry or perhaps our pasts kept us from creating a relationship that probably could have been incredible. But his heart was closed and no matter how much love I showered on him he locked me out. So we wound up in "relationship" that lacked communication and seriously lacked respect. No matter how hard I tried to deflect the negative energy that he targeted towards me it eventually began to seep into my spirit to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. The name calling, the silent treatment, the coming in at wee hours without so much as a phone call or explanation. I endured it all in the name of what I thought was love. I knew in my head and heart that love didn't have to hurt but I didn't know if I would find a man who didn't resort to diabolical tactics to hurt me. It got to the point where he frightened me and I didn't feel safe with him any more.
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Selfishness is the only word to describe how he can [choose one] (a) not love you, (b) not like you that way, (c) not want to invest time into building a trusting relationship (with you) but he wants to be with you physically. Yet, he has nothing to offer emotionally. So why do we stay? What need is being met? Why do we waste our time and energy on something that just isn't meant to be?
I was in and out (mostly out) of a "relationship" with one guy for a year and half. I knew he had nothing to offer me but each time he thought I was gone for good he would up his game to get me back. Finally he messed up so badly that I would had no self-respect at all if I had giving him another chance. Even he seemed to know that his last screw up was the last straw and we parted ways amicably. I've seen him a couple of times since publicly but I just feel sorry for him. He knew he had a good thing and thought he could keep it on the side for when he was ready. A pair and a spare. But when you have a good thing that doesn't work.
The thing about me is that I am slow to commit to a relationship of any type. The reason is that once I make the commitment I am going to put forth the effort to make it work. So when that is not reciprocated it can be devastating. I am usually pretty clear about my expectations from the start and I feel like I have been duped when he can't match the commitment I am willing to make. Like Lauryn sings in "I Used to Love Him" He stole my heart like a thief in the night. Dulled my senses and blurried my sight. I will try until it is clear that I am beating my head against a brick wall.
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
Time and time again they will come back until their silly bag of tricks has been depleted. And each time we let them until they have managed to completely sap us of our strength, our ability to love freely and maintain our self-respect. It is crazy to know that something isn't working yet you keep hoping that it will -- trying to fit a triangle into a circle. It doesn't fit, no matter how hard you try to force it.
(Repeat Hook)
Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me
(Repeat)
So we cry,hope, beg and pray. But if he isn't capable of giving you what you need then you have to let him go. No matter how good it felt during those times you were physically bonding. If he can't offer the emotional element, the stuff that you need when you aren't in those moments, then he isn't worth your time. He is simply a distraction like TV or the computer. Something to do but with the added element of keeping you stressed out all the time. Hoping...longing...needing ...but finding yourself disappointed every.single.time. He'll say anything in those moments to get what he wants but when it is over he will walk away as if it never happened, as if you never connected. You will go back to being a low priority to him. He has nothing to offer worth having. At least when you are clear and straightforward about needing more than just a warm body to kill time with every now and then. Did he ever care. Does it really matter at the end of the day? He couldn't provide the love that you needed so you had to let him go. Once and for all. There will be other warm bodies to take care of the physical needs but when will the spiritual connection take priority?
Live version of "Sex Factor" [listen]
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