Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I've been meaning to come on here to write an update but to be perfectly honest the past few months have been rough. All work related so that is a blessing although we also have a family situation happening that is causing a divide. Oh well, what's new? So we are an hour away from 2020! I remember when it was going to be Y2K and I cried. I was scared. Now it is 2020. That's crazy! I have been home trying to clean up and get all of my laundry done. I had a massive mountain of dirty clothes in the hamper that was literally sucking the life out of me. Now that they are washed I am feeling better. There is something to be said for the energy that we carry with us. It is important to cleanse our bodies and clothes of the energy that it picks up when we are around toxic people. Maya Angelou said, Some day we’ll be able to measure the power of words. I think they are things. They get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper. They get in your rugs, in your upholstery, and y...

Today I slept in and feel a bit better emotionally. Still a bit tired physically. Maybe I need a massag but I have some errands to run and work to do around the house. I will feel a lot better if I am ready for the week but I felt so burned out last out. I listened to Cuban and Brazil music last night which lifted my spirits. Discovering the music of Dayme Arocena is one of the best things that could have happened to me. I have to get back to Cuba.

I've been listening to Cuban music all day. Wishing I was in Cuba. I have such an affinity for that island. I honestly think that I have roots there or that I lived there in another life. It was like coming home when I went. I felt so at home. So safe. There is a peace that we don't have here. Say what you will about politics and such but the culture is so rich. The love for mi gente. The comradery. I left half my heart in Cuba.

Today I took the time to just feel. I stayed in and allowed my feelings to come and go as they pleased. It came in ebbs and waves. I cried and laughed. I am a mess. But it's O.K. I am living. I just want to be loved and loved deeply. I miss that connection. But for now. I am just feeling. Montego Bay, Jamaica V.I. 2019 Interlude: I have loved beautiful men in my lifetime. Yet I have married no one. I am at the half century of my life and I have no one to love. I think about all of the beautiful men in my life who has passed through that I never allowed to fully love me.  There was one particularly beautiful man. I was not ready for him emotionally. He was incredibly beautiful inside and out. He was a personal trainer and he had a gorgeous daughter that he was raising. I had just lost my mother and brother within months of each other and I was a mess. But he was a beautiful man. I wasn't in a place to allow him into my life. He introduced me to Celia Cruz and Jose ...

Another month has passed and here I am. Yes. It is rough. The end of this year is very rough for me. I pray that as we enter our new decade of 2020 that the energy shifts into a more positive place. I will be completely transparent...I have been struggling and suffering mentally. I felt downright suicidal recently. I feel so alone. I contemplated quitting my job and everything. Tonight I had a breakdown. I had been weepy and would tear up but tonight while driving I just surrendered to God and said, I don't know what you want me to do. I am always so close to what I think God wants and then I fail or something blocks me. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone with me. I am scared. I am getting older and I can't form a relationship with anyone. Sometimes I wonder what will happen if I was to die suddenly. Lord knows I have no one to care for me if I die slowly. It is a scary thought. I literally have no one. I feel so alone in the world. It scares me. My work...

Welcome to September! It seems that I am on a monthly blogging schedule over here. This week we officially got into high gear at work and I will say it was rough but I think I handled it well. I am learning that there are bumps in the road and they are just part of everyday life. I wish I had learned this earlier in life. It would have saved me a lot of unnecessary pain and misery. What happened this week? My car broke down! My car NEVER breaks down. One of the worst possible times for it to happen but I dealt with it. Thank God I have resources that I can fall back on. I am grateful! I am also feeling some negative energy being directed toward me from colleagues. I had to do some real internal work to keep from being triggered. I feel like God is testing me. I think I have grown. I pray I stay strong. I pray that God places his arms of protection around me. I have some challenges facing me this year but I hope that maintain I positive attitude. Last year I also had challenges ...