Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Just got a call from an old colleague. Our old boss just got fired.While we knew she was up for it, we thought she had some more time left. Her house of cards came tumbling down. Can't say I didn't call it.

Where is my motivation? I haven't been able to stay motivated enough to do anything. The past two day I have come straight home and done nothing for either work or school. I think I am not ready to go back to school and might have to claim defeat. I would rather focus my energy on work at this point. I just don't want to get stuck doing what I do. I don't know...I just need for my life to fall into place.Oh yeah, and the pressure is back up. Sigh. Oh yeah, and I am lonely. Bought some cute boots online and they are too tight so I have to return them. I guess I will keep searching. Really ready to update my wardrobe.  Tonight my building is having a Halloween party. It seems like it will be nice, but the last time I popped into one the neighbors descended on me and asked me so many noisy questions I was annoyed. Will skip it this round. I just want Mo to come back.

I took a(nother) day off from class. My blood pressure has been running high despite being on medication and I am just over that class. I doubt she takes attendance anyway. In any event, the intention was to get some work done. Instead I took a much needed nap. I thought I would work when I woke up from the nap but the nap lasted until 8 PM so I figured I would just get up in the wee hours of the morning to work. Nope. Slept and even had trouble getting up by 6 AM. No work was done, but my pressure went down. Thinking it might be connected to lack of sleep or just the pressures of life. My neck is very tight. I might need to go after work for a neck massage. I still have so much work to do and it is making me mad that people put this kind of pressure on other people just to make themselves look good. Our line of work doesn't require all of this...it really doesn't. Yet, when someone has something to prove this is what we get. Sigh. On to start my day.

I have been a bit down and discouraged recently. My work load and lack of friendship is taking a toll on me. I moved here because I wanted to reestablish a social life. I wanted to have time to enjoy myself every once in a while. I find it impossible to do that with the schedule I have unless something else is left undone. Lately lots of things have been left undone. I know I am working in God's favor, but I feel that people's expectations are too high. What I mean by that is it is my prerogative to put in as much work as I am capable of putting in without having to wind up hospitalized or worst. People will work you into the ground if you let them. I have worked hard for so hard and I am ready to just put in a day's work and be able to walk away at the end of the day guilt-free. Yet, people continue to pile more and more on you and then give you the side eye when you say enough is enough. I can't work at the same pace I did when I was younger. I would stay until la...

I love this amazing, quirky, irregular life I am living. I am truly misunderstood in this world. there are people who feel that I should not have the life that I created for myself. and it really pisses them off that I dare to live life on my own terms. I refuse to be controlled by others intentions, ill will, or manipulation.  until I take my last breath this life is mine. someone said they thought I was free. I didn't think so at the time but I guess I am. I am free to live and free to love whenever and whomever I choose. this is my life.

So, I couldn't just walk away. I have so many thoughts coursing through my mind right now. While establishing my new life has been a challenge, I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to rebuild. There are so many others who simply give up. Tonight I reflected on how different my life is now from the one I just left. How there were so many close calls. Days where I had just gotten in the apartment before some fool opened fire on the street and took the life of someone. How I was just steps away. Focus. The key is focus. I was determined to leave that neighborhood. That existence. I did it and now I am faced with a new set of challenges. I am an overcomer and I will find my proper place in this world.

I guess this will have to be goodbye for now. Many of the hopes and dreams that I wrote about in this blog over the years are finally starting to come to fruition. My life has taken a drastic turn. I am busy, exhausted, still oppressed, but rising. Working toward the future that I always dreamed about. Working hard. Really hard. Getting very little sleep, but it is because I want to realize my dreams and they are virtually at my finger tips right now. I will still blog on other platforms when I find the time between my extremely demanding job and my extremely demanding grad courses. I am finally in a position to be able to make my life as convenient as possible. But with that comes having to put in the work. I am learning to love my new life...demands and all. I've wanted this (minus the demands and oppressive bureaucratic hoops to jump through) for a long time. Yet, when I look back from whence I came I can't complain. Stay blessed. I may be back once my wheels have stopped ...